I want to walk in the forrests,

Sink my feet in the wet cool sands along the beach,

Run and never tire.

I want to love without gagging on the whole of you.

I want to hold you with out feeling the breeze of cold shoulders...

I want the romantic without reservation,

To find compassion in holding hands,

And not loose myself in you, or you in me.

It is like leaning into a well to reach a bucket

So one can draw water.

Reach, grab on to, without falling in.

I want the essence of you like the salty mists of the ocean.

As if I just stand on the rocky cliffs,

Feel the water spray over me,

Inhale deep,

Saturate my lungs with that salty effervesence,

Exhale only the air, and let the salt of life coat my insides.

That somehow the salt is more than an elixir,

But a zest that I yearn and strive for---

But you like the wind are free to come and go, to roam.

My desire is to suck gently and sweetly,

The marrow of you from the bone.

I want to scream "I'm not the one who hurt you!"

But if I truly love you, I take YOU as a WHOLE.

I'm flopping like a fish out of water,

I crave the presence of you like the fish seeks his home.

But you are rolling and rolling like a stone,

Faster and faster---downhill.

But like always,

You'll stop,

All things do come to pass,

The good and the bad, AND THE UGLY.

I want presence, and yet so much more.

I don't want to compartmentalize this heart of feelings,

Allow myself to only feel certain ways between nine and five.

Because YOUR world is upside down, and mine is too...

I just pray that we hold on,

In the waxing and waning of this blue moon.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Surviving the death of siblings is something I can't even phathom cognitively, let alone emotionially.  My partner is going through the anniversary deaths of two siblings.  Her sister died of cancer, and one year later from that death, my partner got diagnosed with breast cancer, a very severe form.  The brother in question is the one who beat and raped her.  I'm a sexual abuse survivor, a satanic sexual abuse survivor at that.  This holiday season will be the first without my father who died on Fathers Day this year.  And I'm surviving the death of a child, one year ago as of October.  Yet, we, my partner and I are in such a place that we are unable to grieve....we are expecting twin grandchildren in December.  Money is tight, and our childrens emotions are also running high.  If you get a chance to read this, pray for us.  Our other daughter broke up with her husband, and therefore, both daughters, and three grandkids will all have to move in the near if we don't have enough to stress us out.  And my car recently fell totally apart, I'll probably have to find a new car at that.  It's funny to say, being foot bound is the least of my worries. I just miss my partner who is reacting to her grief, I'm missing my own daughter who died in still birth, I'm stressed about Christmas with my personal family in regards to the loss of my Dad.  And when I am in need of a hug, my partner needs a hug, my children need help and my grandkids are feeling the limbo of not knowing what happened to "mommy and daddy"---It nearly breaks me down.  If you can think of us this holiday season, please, we'd appreciate it. Thank-you, Samaritan, for all your well wishes and prayer.  Maybe we'll be able to see the miracle of Jesus, twice in the twins. Best wishes...

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