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First Christmas Without Shy
They told me yesterday that they are going to Miami and did I want to go on cruise for Christmas? I will never fly again, too infirm, I said. I do not want to be stashed somewhere - there will be enough of that when I begin to die. I watched Shy fade over two years and it has been seven months since she died. I don't want to die for a year slowly. I won't get a choice, but if I had one. No Shy and Christmas - another hurtle, another challenge/test. It was going great, then it fell apart. I love jigsaw puzzles and so the world will be put together one piece at a time. Perseverence is a given, again.
What is this? Can not bear spending Christmas without Shy? All the decorating is on hold - even for me, too painful. I have a little 4ft white and blue tree - perhaps. Not feeling up to decorating. There will be no cookies or punch for Thanksgiving. I will make salad and we are ordering a honey baked ham for our contribution. Shy went all out - special table top decorations, 9 ft tree, gravy, turkey, dessert. Some holes are too big to fill when the body is failing and the head aches perpetually.
Drinking water - too late, kidneys are screaming. No sugar or carbohydrates - too late, saturated cells and feet are itching with neuropathy. Looking for a bright side, a lining of any color, a smile, a compliment, a good wish. Everyone seems so selfish and all ego and me-only oriented. I never learned that art form. Altruism has its drawbacks.
Having poem published in 2018 UKauthor.com anthology - that is a surprise and reminds me of the good ole days. First sci-fi novel is shaping up nicely - fell into the last novel briefly - it's gonna need a complete re-write.
You empathize with other's infirmity and illnesses, conditions, and healings going on, but when it's you, there is no solace, nothing eases the rises and declines aka old age happening without your permission. To still be young inside a body approaching it's 7th decade could be defined as a kind of hell varitiey. Another rite of passage. There is no death, only a change of states - been watching The Day The Earth Stood Still. I will be the family's first cremation.
You can relax, I have not looked at international news for two whole days. I was actually happy for several hours yesterday and it felt good, then faded. It's a struggle, but I tell myself stop crying and get up and do something. But what else to do? What?
~allets~
10-25-17
1023p
