Pants, Dates and Garlic Bread

Pants, Dates and Garlic Bread

 

“Honey, you look so handsome”. The words of my mother; Even if they’d bring no help whatsoever regarding the success of my first date they gave me the hope that no matter what happened someone would still love me. My father gave me that look that you only get during very crucial father/son rituals such as catching a hard baseball, or handing him a tool without asking if it’s the right one.

 

I turned the ignition of the car and realized this was a major milestone in my life that wouldn’t be out of place written in a diary. Of course, I don’t write a diary because that would make me the looser everyone did think I was a couple years back. Getting a girl to agree to spend her precious time with me wasn’t a challenge but a damn near impossibility. Thanks to the Immediate fear of construction-worker armpit sweat I took a deep breath to relax. Of course, it wasn’t enough so I turned the fan to full speed and set off to my dates house. She looked absolutely gorgeous which in my mind was both a good and a bad thing.  Verona, being the location of arguably the most famous love story ever created “Romeo and Juliet”, was what made me decide to go to an Italian restaurant on our first date. Also, because I liked garlic bread.  The hostess gave us a greeting, a table and a pair of menus all while my bladder gave me a wakeup call to empty it. I had always had a weak bladder, but I never thought it would be this inconvenient. Given this sudden change of plans I excused myself as politely as I could and made an awkward walk to the men’s restroom.

 

I unloaded the pee, and as I walked to wash my hands I noticed my shoe laces had come undone. “Damn you” I uttered as I went into a cubicle to use a toilet as a base to tie the laces. The sound I heard afterwards killed the silence of the elegant bathroom like an epidemic kills a country’s population and I assessed the situation at hand. An orifice so massive had conceived in my pants that I started getting cold from the breeze that came in. My underwear was so obvious to public eye that I would be arrested for indecent exposure as soon as I got out of the restroom. I closed the cubicle door and though of how determined my destiny was to make me die single. Calling my dad would result in either laughter or disappointment, neither of which would help me at the moment. My sister? Not a hope in hell. As I dialed my best friend and honestly the only person I really trusted I remembered his trip to Vegas which resulted in more quiet swearing. Then there it was. Her number. Would it be too out of place to ask your date to buy you some emergency pants? Immediately the door of the restroom opened.

 

 

It was a grown man, slim looking legs, wearing a nice pair of shoes. As time was running out I couldn’t let my date think I had some serious problem in my digestive system and decided to just go for it. “Sir, I. I know this is odd but I need your help”. “Excuse me?”. “Sir, look. This is my first date, there is a lovely lady waiting for me outside but I tore a hole in my pants as big as the San Andreas fault and I can’t come out looking like this. I know this is too much to ask but would you mind letting me use your pants for a minute to tell my date what is going on? Please?” I heard a chuckle, which meant I at least was sympathetic to him. “Look kid, I have an extra suit I use for work in the trunk of my car, let me get the pants for you.” I had met my hero that day without even seeing his face!

 

The door opened and the man threw the pants under the door so I could change. “Keep the pants son, I have to leave” was the last sentence I ever heard of my hero.  Full of confidence I came out of the cubicle with the broken pants in my hand and I threw them to the wastebasket just as an employee was taking out the trash. They weren’t the perfect fit but the color matched well enough and in no time, I was enjoying the company of my date. We talked, we ate, we bonded and for a minute I thought everything had lined up just so that I actually made a decent first impression. Right up to the moment when the waiter brings the check and I touch the back of my pants realizing I had forgot to transfer my wallet. 

 

The end.

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