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I was told by an old doctor when you are feeling down to write out a list of all that you been through. I briefly hit most of it.The major stuff at least.

Ill start when I was a child, I've been through a terrible divorce filled with domestic violence at a young age.
It was a terrible one. One that ripped the family into many pieces. To the point where my fathers name is not on my birth certificate because when I was born He wanted nothing to do with me and planned on not being in my life.

I was in and out of school distracts a lot when i was little I went to 3 different schools from first to third grade. Never really had the time to make friends during those years. life was rough in and out of homes constantly moving one place to another. because my mother was doing her best to try and survive on her own. In first grade alone I moved 3 times. in and out of apartments and trailers. It was hard adjusting, But after a while I caved In and figured no one really would stay in my life for to long (to this day that statement has been proven right.) I sort of had to raise myself due to all the stress my mom was working 2 jobs trying to deal with the divorce and all the fights between the family.

By third grade I made the biggest move of my Life. My mom met someone (my current step dad) and we moved out of state. witch caused me at age 8 to sit through horribly long court sessions with my dad trying to fight so we couldn't move out of state. listining in on some very hurtful things said by both parents. where we moved was in a city called akron ohio. It was a rough rough area. I constintly was jumped at a young age. I had friends but It didnt help me from getting things stolen from me, and beat up at the bus stop everyday for 4 school years. It was terrible and caused a lot of anger that I still have I guess.

during those years I would have to drive all the way back to lansing michigan every other weekend. witch is about a 6 hour drive one way. and do it in a small little car. It never got tolerable. It was terrible. all to see my dad for one day, witch would sit on the couch and talk about how bad of a mother my mom was. it was not easy. to deal with. I had to do this for a total of 7 years. every other weekend and spend the whole summer. so even tho I am in one spot its still hard to be close to friends. I always felt kinda lost and by myself.

I broke my collar bone in seventh grade and It NEVER healed correctly because I still was getting bullied at the bus stop everyday and I had to carry all my books with my broken arm because no one wold give me a hand. i cant work out or bench anything because It literally hurts like hell when I try.

I for a while got involved with the wrong crowed in junior high and got arrested for breaking into the school. I was tried for two counts of vandalism and breaking an entry on federal ground. I somehow never served any of my time on probation or community service. (its quite odd and I am pretty damn lucky)

In seventh grade was when I was introduced to drugs, and I liked it. a lot. It helped me get thorugh all the bull crap that I had to deal with I guess. and It felt necessarily and alright to do all the time because it was the social norm where I lived witch was the ghetto.

during all this I have been diagnosed with bipolar, aspergers, deppression, tourrets, a.d.d., a.d.h.d. I had to see cousnalers twice a week and had to eat lunch with the school grieving cousnler everyday. I had been on over 12 differant medications before 8th grade. and at one point I had to take 7 at once. I ended up in the psych ward at least once a year. for 4 years straight. all in the month of feburary. To this day I am affraid I will be sent there agian. especially since I was there less than a year ago. but in the month of june.

I eneded up moving to my dads house, becuase i couldnt stand the driving back and fourth and I was affraid for mylife to step foot in an inner city highschool. so I eneded up moving out agian. and starting over fresh my freshman year. It was prolly the the worst descion of mylife. I didnt get allong with many people. They were all snobby kids and not many people knew what it was like to struggle with money everyday. I didnt have much and it was terribly hard to make friends that first year. especially since my father tried making my friends. all kids who grew up in the woods who fixed trucks for fun. I had absolutly nothing in common and with anyone my dad wanted me to hang out with so I would just come home and stare at the wall most of my freshman year.

I had to watch my step sisters (my stepmom who is rich) get everything handed to them they had so much stuff, and I when I first moved there had to sleep on a cot in the hallway until I had a room. I hated all of them and they hated me becuase they felt threatened by me as if I was no good. I was constintly called an embaresment and that I mock my step moms "family buisness" for acting the way I do in school. they were judging of everything and It was impossible for me to be friends with someone unless they had money. witch is completly differant life that I was living a year before then.

I toughed it out and I picked up guitar my junior year, it was my awakening. Its all I did I rarly went out at first. all i did was play untill my fingers bled. It reliefed all my stress and pain and for once I didnt have to think about anything I just played my guitar. It was my passion and my life. I took lessons and it consumed me and made the rest of the highschool years a breeze for I met kids that my dad for once approved of that played instruments so all I did the last 2 years of high school was play music. I would skip lunch and sometimes class to go play the piano in the chior room by myself. It was perfect and it was my little peaceful place.

I got arrested a few times during the begging years of highschool. one for having sex in a public place and the other was running away and being out passed curfew. me and my dad never really talked after this. we never got along for I was a constant embarresment to everyone in the family i guess. But after two years it quit bothering me and i did my own thing. I never really knew what family was. I still dont.

after I graduated i got a job in downtown ann arbor as a delivery driver and got back into the drug scene again. It was nice first time in ever I really fit in. 2010 was the best year of my life, I was in college partying partying partying I woke up next to girls I never met before and fell asleep outside in random places. piss drunk. and I loved every second of it. it was sooo soo nice and I wanted it to last for ever. but then soon my dad kicked me out two days before christmas becuase i was gone for 3 weeks straight and would only come home to study or sleep. i moved out with some friends i worked with. it was nice agian all i did was party and i quit school. so i just partyed. every day every hour and worked like20 hours a week. until i got into really bad drugs like percoset vicadin acid shrooms ecstacy and all the good stuff. I was kicked out of the friends i was living with and i moved in with afew people i would do heavy drugs with

i went on vaction with a girl i worked with. i thought i loved her. I truly did. we went out of state to a 3 day concert and at the last minute she brings another guy. and during this time it was my birthday weekend and spent my weekend listing to them have sex in the hotel room at night. and i thought we were dating (guess i was wrong) i spent the days at the concert getting completely beyond fucked up so i would come back to the apartment and black out so i didnt have to hear it. it tore my insides apart i had my heart torn out of me. I met a lot of cool people at the concert but It didnt help me with anything. it was still a terrible weekend even tho i saw a lot of my favorite bands play.

after all that bullshit and not even 2 days later, i overdosed on every drug i could find in my house I drank ate and swolled everything from bleach to rubbing alcahol to sleep meds and anti deppressents. i should of been dead... I still cant passed it. i really shouldnt of been living. my roomate found me and its a blur I just remember waking up in the e.r. getting my stomach pumped.

I spent the 10 days in the psych ward. it sucked. it was embarresing. I lost my job and I had to hear it from my dad the first time since I moved out. after that I went and spent 30 days in rehab. It was the first time in my life I felt accepted. I was in with a bunch of people like me. It was great, yes you hurd me rehab was a blast I met so many friends a few i consider the best friends i have ever met. they were all people like me. everyone liked everyone we all got along. it was hard watching them go everyday tho. but everyday someone else would come in. I fell in love with a lot of girls there. many I wish i still knew becuase we were perfect together and we both would say it. and the food was great. I wish I was back there actually.

after this I moved back in with my mom I spent 3 months staring at the wall, becuase it was the fall i had no job and I live on a road with 2 houses on it including mine. It was the worst adjustment of my life. i did nothing went no where. it felt like jail.

I am currently without a car, without college money (dad sold car and got rid of my college fund) I wont see any of that money again.
and when I left there were rumors I have died and that I went crazy and that I became a heroin addict. none are true. but i kinda believe them all none of my old friends talk or even care to make it out this way for i have "changed" for the worse.

I recently started working at mcdonalds and i met people but its hard adjusting still. I dont know anybody and everyone knows everyone else in this town. I have one friend tho. who happens to be my cousin and I go around and party with him but most of the people i meet are in highschool so its still hard to realte with a lot of them. I still spend most of my time at home writing or doing drugs alone to cope with the alone feeling.

and hear i am now looking back on all this.....
I truly dont know what to think. Mostly numb actually. it doesn't even sound bad, it just sounds like life. My life....