A long time ago, I used to think life was an obstacle. Something holding me down, pushing me back...keeping me away from my goal. Although... to this day I have yet to realize just what my goal is exactly. But now, I am unsure of everything.

I used to think that friends were like toys. You kept them, and played with them, until they either broke...or were lost. I don't suppose that any of my friendships were broke, but every one of them were lost. I've never attached myself to anyone except my parents, whom I will get to later. I have still to understand the concept of a best friend. At one point in my life...I was proud about my detached, and quite friendless nature. But now...I am not sure if I want to be alone.

I've always enjoyed the comfort I got from receiving pain. Not physical, but emotional. I've always felt that if I could endure the most agonizing heartache ever, that then, and only then, would I achieve one of my goals.

Since I was old enough to analyze myself, I have always thought that I deserved pain, of both kinds. I wanted to be tortured, yet live to remember the agony. I wanted to be alone, to feel the deep pain of loss, regret, loneliness. I wanted to hurt in every way possible. I wanted to be betrayed, beaten, near death, heartbroken...I wanted my soul will strengthened, no... Weakened. I wanted pity. Wordless pity. I wanted to be saved from my pain. Find light in my soul's darkness...eternal love. And I feel twisted for such desires.

I wanted something unique. Something nobody else had...yet no... I didn't want it; I wanted to be it. I wanted to be an outcast, never belonging, never fitting in. And I wanted somebody to recognize me for that.

I wanted adventure. Pain, pleasure, betrayal, deceit, fear, love, horror, romance, brutality, longing, dreaming, magic, mystery, I wanted it all. And I was willing to go through and lose anything for it. I suppose, many are glad wishes don't come true.

This is when I looked at myself. I was willing to risk everything for the chance to live my imagination. I was, and still am, greedy. But not only that, I am also selfish and deceitful. I am kind to those who hold no power over me, to those who I owe nothing to. Yet the ones who brought me into this life, I treat as enemies.

I ask for things that without them, I would never place my hands upon, yet due to their unending love for me, I am granted my desires. But show respect? I do not. Yes, I have put up with their quite harmless and playful sarcasm and trickery for the whole of my life, but I have never been utterly unhappy. My kindness means nothing. I am ungrateful for that which I have, and constantly am asking for what I do not deserve. I see my faults, but I do nothing to change them. Horrible? Yes...

And still I cry in self-pity. I want pain. I want my blood on another hands. It's what I deserve, and none can argue this fact.

Then we come to the question...What is reality?

Do things, which activate emotions, count as reality? When a loved one dies, we find ourselves in an awful ordeal. A heavy feeling inside our hearts. The feeling of some unknown force squeezing out stomachs, and giving us the urge to cry...Tears...Are they real? When one reads a book, or watches a movie, do those tears count? The character that entertains you didn't truly die...yet you still cried. Where do we draw lines? This I have been asking myself quite a lot recently. In an unreal world, that lets you interact with others who with to leave the real world do you make boundaries? Does loving a character constitute as real love? Do tears created by these unreal situations have the right to be called real? How do we define such things? This I would love to know... and understand.

I have yet to answer any question posed upon myself, but I am quite sure of one thing. I shouldn't take life so harshly. There is pain in the hearts of many, many creatures all over the earth. Destruction, murder, all of these terrible things. But I realize that it will never change. We are human, and it is in the deepest parts of us to allow, withstand, and create these things. We are all faulty in our own ways, but that, will never change.

Thus I move on. Religion. Possibly the most controversial and most fought over subject in the history of mankind. What happens after death? One of the most asked questions. (Why? More than likely, the first.) So, what does happen? Does it truly matter? No. We are living this very moment, yet we worry about what comes after. You may look at it two ways, both I will review. Now...A friend of mine told me before, that religion was just a fairy tail, created a very long time ago, to still the hearts of man. When you lose family, is it not a wonderful thought to think that your loved one is in a place that gives eternal bliss? And is it not nice, to think that one day, you will be rejoined with them? is. But what if there is nothing after life. Is it possible that after that last heart beat, each person, every unique mind and thought pattern, every complex organism on the planet simply winks out of existence, never to be seen or heard from again? That could be reality. Then, you have the possibility of some magical and infinite being with powers beyond comprehension, who created earth, the galaxy, the universe, and controls each of our destinies. Is it hard to believe that such a being could create a place for each of us to return to after this life is over? Now, I shall not get into the prospect of Hell, and angels, and demons, for this is only a few thoughts on the possibilities of life after death.

Why do people even think about life?  I mean...Here I am, typing this for no apparent reason but to analyze my own existence in this world.  Is there even a reason?  

Now I'll get to love...  What could I possibly say on this?  It's one of the most horrible emotions ever.  That's what.  When you fall in love with another...It gives you a wonderful feeling does it not?  But, Then you have the other side.  What happens if you lost that person?  I think, that would be the worst feeling ever.  "It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved before."  That, is a lie.  If one has never fallen in love, then one doesn't know what he or she is missing truly.  And therefore, cannot miss or yearn for it.  You'll never have to suffer heartbreak or rejection if you never fall in love.  

And how do you define love?  Intense feelings towards another person?  But don't all new couples feel that?  Is it love, or lust?  Can you love somebody having known them only a day or two, or does the friendship/courtship have to last years?  I wish I knew.  Love is such a difficult matter.  It clouds your mind and doesn't let you think straight.  When you can only think on that one single person all day and all night...what do you call that?  Obsession?  Infatuation?  And what if the other party does not return the same feelings, what then?  Love is such a complicated game, in where the players are all cruel followers, after the same ultimate goal...Happiness.  

And I realize I'm skipping around...but these are my damn thoughts, so bear with me.  

I absolutely don't understand myself.  I mean, I actually am a cheerful person by nature, but I'm a pure pessimist.  I always think the worst in any situation, and in fact, whenever I get any sort of compliment, but first thought is that they are just being nice so as to not hurt my feelings.  Blunt is the best way to go I think.  I mean...I would rather be told by one person that I was ugly, rather than to go through life hoping for that one person who will lift me off my feet and make me happy...even if it will never happen.  At least if my hopes are shattered once, I'll never be hurt in the future.  But instead, people lie everyday.

"Does this make me look fat?"

The eternal question of anyone concerned with their looks.  OF COURSE IT...doesn't make you look fat.  Even if it really does.  Do you walk up to a person and tell them that they are perhaps the ugliest creature you've seen all day?  Or do you tell a person that you think they should die because they are not fit to breathe your air?  (And I AM omitting those unusually mean persons out there...You know how you are)  We tell what we like to call white lies to those we care for.  Certainly we would not let them leave the house to make a fool of themselves, but we still don't tell them the full extremity of our opinions.  This is fine though...I suppose if we shared all our thoughts, not too many people would get along....I like it when people get along best.

I think about being alone all the time... Would it be better, or worse?  I can't really tell.  I mean...I used to think that I would be better off never loving anyone, because that could lead to the utter destruction of myself.  But...upon meeting a person, whom I must admit to liking more than usual...I've thought otherwise.  Is feeling for another worth it?  I really can't say.  I really long to be with this person...but I fear they do not return my sentiment.  What should I do?  I don't think I'll have the answer to that just yet...  Oh my, this is turning into a diary of sorts, how horrid...

Much more I cannot say... I suppose that on my deathbed, all of my questions will be answered. Perhaps not though. One can only guess. I leave it up to others to figure out their own mind. But I, am still wandering through my own, and maybe one day, I will figure out who I truly am...

Author's Notes/Comments: 

It's not a peom, but just my opinion on everything I could think of at the time.

View twilight_stranger's Full Portfolio