who cares? swig vodka,

sad, i should kill myself,

nope, i just need some attention,

nope, i just need a new muse,

nope, i just need a new muse that i can't have,

yes, there we go, an unsolvable situation ipso facto,

a dilemma, a problem, 

quick fix, burned myself, this was the first time it didn't work,

i still feel terrible, what the fuck, demons still lurk,

i want to stab myself, not to feel, but to feel not,

to prevent me from having the last thing i hear be a gun shot,

to punish myself, to know my brain is completely fucked,

to know that it isn't going to change, embedded in me it's tucked,

a little water on the computer, sorry kim,

a little vodka, a little more, i'm actively fighting the grim,

the sadness, madness, pedophile dad-ness, 

i thrive on daddy issues, i feast on insecurities,

i haven't eaten in days, i've turned to eating myself,

joyless eating, put hopes and dreams on my dust bunny riddled closet shelf,

swig, this twig, burned up twig, burned my throat,

i hate people because i hate myself, i hate myself because of you,

you should feel proud, you do, you don't even have to read this, 

you are meaningless to me, at least you should be, 

but you're not, you're an inferno, you steal my soul without even trying,

without even being aware, without… without me, without living or dying,

blink, blink again, vodka, i'll drive home soon,

before i do, i look up at the sky, steal a glance at the moon,

it's full, i'm empty, i feel empty, i feel alcohol in my body,

going over the moments of the day that appeared meaningful,

going over the moments of the day, realizing they were all meaningless,

if i died tonight, i'd be fine, 

i'd be okay, crossed over the line,

i'll sleep poorly, i'll wake poorly,

i regard people sorely, 

i disregard, no, i don't disregard what i should,

i bask in the blind, care not to see the facade of good,

swig, i don't feel any better, i'm out of ideas,

intelligence fails here, i fail here, i fail there,

i need help, i don't know what help looks like,

i don't know, i don't know much about what matters,

i'm alone, in my mind, imaginary are the pitter patters,

maybe i'm wrong, maybe this isn't true in reality,

regardless, another night steeped in banality,

since when do i hyperventilate to calm myself down,

since when am i convinced that by drinking i won't drown,

drove home drunk, made it, wouldn't have cared much even if i hadn't,

i'm a loser, a sad little girl dreaming about winning the beauty pageant,

only i'm fully grown, and this ugly world, to me its face has shown,

then i realize it's a mirror, my reflection smiles at me but there's no connection,

for pain, i strive to satisfy this pathetic predilection…


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