Further afield

Today I felt like my world would end,

I felt like nothing could make ammends,

I looked at me and wished for more,

I do that such a lot these days,

Awake alone, asleep alone,

Nowhere feels like home,

No-one feels like home,

I cannot speak, it breaks my heart,

Theres no way of remembering, how it all did start,

Theres no way of knowing when it might finish,

I can’t imagine that this feeling could ever diminish,

How it would feel to not feel this,

How would I function, how would I exist?

To never need to crawl on the ground,

What a treat, maybe I could even sleep…



I’m still the person I always was,

I'm not sure if that is good or not,

I always thought I knew myself so well,

I guess that with time and with age I forgot,

I’m so confused,

And I can’t even think what the confusions about,

I am just a person made without logic,

Constructed with guilt, and panic and doubt,

There is no structure to the things I build,

With every resurrection I am deeper in,

More confused, so dizzy, my mind further afield…



Don’t feel like I’ll ever sleep again,

I lie here still, as if I were ill,

Its just that there seems no use in getting up,

I don’t wanna go outside and see the world,

I feel like I’ve already seen enough,

Its so warm in here,

Out of this cocoon, the only things I feel

Are anxiety and fear,

I know I don’t quite measure up to those around me,

I can see them eyeing me and frowning at me,

And I’m unable to cope with the inadequacy

They force me to feel,

And I know that in some way they always will,

Yet I’m still here, just the same as before,

Maybe I have more courage than I thought,

Or perhaps its the opposite, and I’m simply scared,

I’ve often considered exiting this world,

But I’ve felt too unsure and unprepared,

At night I lie in bed afraid,

In a bed that’s been for days unmade,

I’m unkept, my dreams are scarce,

Sometimes I panic, yet sometimes I don’t care,

Face down I think about the people I see,

I hear their voices, they talk to me,

I can daydream at night for as long as I like,

My imagination is all I have to keep me company,

The next day always comes too fast,

Nothing ever seems to last,

I live too underjoyed, I live so slow,

As I drift I let my mind embrace its characters,

Then on sleepless nights I can lie and watch them grow…    

View thebigsleep's Full Portfolio