Getting Up Again


It has been a long time since I did a free form writing where I just write what is on my mind, my thoughts, feelings, fears, etc.

Today I just want to think, but I think best when writing, and doing it publibly like this keeps up with my view of total honesty.

Today is a painful day, I have been working on getting my emotions sorted, figured out, how to handle them, it hasn't been easy. I use to run from pain, if I got hurt I would just go into a shell and stay there and be numb to the world. Cutting myself cold turkey from the self induced numbness was very difficult, made me have to relearn emotions, how to feel more joyous, how to handle anger, sadness, bitterness, happiness, everything.

I became a slightly angry person, I would just be angry but I became mad at myself for not knowing how to handle the bad things in life, I became snappy at some people.

Today though, is a painful day. I have felt emotional shock, today from an emotional blow I felt a physical shock.

I don't know what to do, I am not even fully sure how I feel.

All I know is that I got some great freinds who I know care, that I can go on, that I must go on. This world is not done with me yet. Above all I have a God who I know will never leave me, when it feels like the world just tears me to shreds He is there with open arms.

To quote a song that i may listen to alot, "I get knocked down, but I get back up again."

I don't know if anyone is going to read this, if it matters in the end, but writing does help a bit, I can sort out what is going on in my head.

For another quote, it was posted by To Write Love on Her Arms today, it makes me think, the reason I want to be published is so maybe my writing can touch someone, "To know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, that is to have succeeded." — Ralph Waldo Emerson
In the end, i just want to feel like i have done something, helped change something for the good, touched someone's life.

Back to the main point, I will go on. I still have my dreams and hopes, this may feel as a set back to them, but I WILL accomplish them.

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