Why Do You Love Me?

“Why do you ‘love’ me SO much?  Is it because I’m pretty?”

“NO, no that’s not it at all.  I don’t know…  I don’t know!  I just can’t keep my mind off you”

“Why though?  I told you I can’t be in a relationship.  I’ve been hurt too many times before, as you have too.  I don’t want to hurt again, and I don’t want to hurt you”

“But that’s something I’m willing to risk.  I want to be with you”

“But I don’t want YOU!  You’re not my type!”

“What do you mean, I’m not you’re type?  First you ‘like me a lot too’ and now what?  I mean NOTHING to you?  Nothing at all?”

“I can’t worry about you, I feel nothing towards you now!  All I can worry about is me, and my future.  I have no time for a girlfriend”

“How can you do this to me?  How can you hurt me, and just walk away like it’s nothing?  How can I mean nothing to you?  How can we get on so well, and flirt and wrap up so well within each other?  How can it all mean nothing to you in the end?”

He kept silent, refusing to reply.  Eventually I rolled away from him, laying on the edge of the bed, practically off of it.  So many thoughts swam through my head, and the same questions would repeat over and over, but no matter what I knew the answer.  I could question his logic, and wonder where he was coming from.  But I knew, I just didn’t want to admit to it. Finally I fell in a drunken, dreamless sleep.  

Slowly I opened my eyes, and realized again where I was.  Tears whispered down my cheeks, as I tried my best not to sob.  I glanced over at him, in his motionless state of peace.  Leaning over to kiss him on the cheek, my hair slid out of the last of my elastic, and swept across his face.  He didn’t even flinch.  ‘He’s faking it’ I thought to myself.  ‘No one sleeps that soundly’

He moaned a little, and buried his head deeper under the covers.  Clambering out of the bed I tied my greasy, tousled locks into a sloppy pony tail, as I searched for my sneakers.  ‘How could he not feel the same?’ I thought to myself for the fiftieth time.  Eventually I had my keys and everything, even the pair of chunky star earrings I had worn the night before, in which I took out before I crashed.  I looked at him again, and saw his nose wrinkle up.  I wish he would open his eyes, tell me how wrong he is, and pull me into his arms.  It doesn’t happen.  Instead I gently open the door, and close it behind me.  

I trip over my feet a bit, still feeling the alcohol flowing through my veins.  ‘Maybe I’m just tired’ I tell myself.  I get into my car, and start up the engine.  It gives me some lip, than decides to start.  Slowly I creep down the drive way, giving everything one last look over, I pull out.  I’m trying not to speed, really I am, but I find my foot pressing the gas harder.  Higher, the needle goes on the speedometer, and faster I go.  I’m not thinking, my mind is blank.  ‘Fuck, I forgot about this turn’ It’s too late to hit the break, I’m spinning out of control.  I see the trees getting closer.

Than I see nothing, it’s black.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written in January of 2005

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