No Tomorrow

As I stood above where they lay you to rest, I listened to the cars from a distance and to the tiny snow flakes fall to the ground and into my hair.

A place of quiet solitude.


With no one else there.

You could not hear it.

Not a thing.

You could not hear my apologies and my gratitude.

The tiny ice drops are falling faster and more frequent now.

But you wouldn't know that.

They are starting to build up together on my windshield as I sit here across from your resting place to write.

I talked softly towards your name as written on the plaque that will stay in the ground forever.

Just as your ashes will until they evaporate to dust and then nothing.

There is much to say to you, but you do not continue to exist.

Not anymore.

Not for two years, two months, and twenty two days.


But who's counting anyways?

You are now only a figure seen in my memories.

Both good and bad.

I can still recall the first day I met you.

As i drove up to the park and began walking your way, I saw you sitting close to her.

Holding her hand.


You both seemed excited to be there in that moment.

Your son Phillip took a liking to my mother as if he had known her for years.

It looked as though she had found herself a happy family.

I had no idea what I was in for on that first day.

After, I mean.

But I looked forward to finding out where this new life would lead my family.

Moving into your house may have been slightly awkward at first simply because it was different.

A new experience.

A huge step!

But I remained optimistic always.

Or, almost always.

I suppose these things should not matter anymore because they are strictly memories of the past that will remain hidden deep away forever.

However, they still have not left my inner thoughts.

Two years, two months, and twenty two days later.

I have one question.


Why were you never home?

Why did you seem sincere yet act otherwise at times?

Why weren't you more responsible?

Why her?

But most importantly....why did you die?!

Things will definitely never the same.

Both good and bad.

I suppose.

Your timing was wrong!

I didn't have time to look into your eyes for the truth.

There were not enough moments to truly understand you and what you wanted and who you cared for.

You said you were sorry.

But there was no time to figure out if that was the truth.

I did not have time to forgive you or tell you I was sorry too.

But now, it's too late!

Forever, I am left with unanswered questions.

I can not recall the last time I saw you or the last thing we spoke to each other.

Were we even talking?

Who knows!

All I know is, I am sorry.

But also, Thank you!

You taught me many things about others and life but probably not intentionally because these realizations came to me after your sudden death.

I have learned to have no excuses and no regrets.

No longer will I sit here and dwell upon what was or what could be.

I must live life for the moments.

The special ones.

With those who I care about most.

I will never take another person for granted nor will I hold a grudge.

Because sometimes, as I have learned....

There really is no tomorrow

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written January 6th, 2009 during a visit to my step dad's grave.

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