On love and other related bullshit.


the minute we work it out we don't want it anymore.

stay a conundrum.

chances are you'll make it to the end but not unscathed.

case in point.

one of you will go to the end s of the earth for love 

the other has trouble digesting this under any form except appreciation.

appeciation is not love. 

Love takes for granted all the stupid things. 

It magnifies the little things. This is the first layer of love after just plain stupidly hoping You're in it at all and doing something motioning like it.

i guess that's the allure. 

I have been split for twenty plus years 

leaning to one at time more than the other

and to be honest my love requirements have boiled down to this,

the ability to stand up and fight for me.

not that I can't do it myself,

he'll i fucking hold my shit back in the name of love all the time 

but one stood for me and never even touched me except in my heart and soul,

and intentions were never pure hell,  the hope of sex was the catalyst for all and any interaction,

funny thing about respect, it grows from some unsightly places. 

on the other plane of love in the abyss of my heart I've been hurt, taken for granted,

I've been stood on and silenced, I've been hugged and loved but never really fought for.,

we'll not in the way I ache for. And still the palm the grenade of my self righteousness hoping against hell I'll let it go but how the hell do you take such unlawful acts and tuck them under null and void because they have the label family. These are Back handed people. Those daggers in my back stem from jealousy and I've been called all manner of crazy, greedy, dirty and because I love so deeply I want to see their dreams live at the expense of my own. And well, the Silent passive agressive bullshit they call sticking up for me bears no resemblence of the truth that must be spoken. Or defense in the romantic term Of it. Silenced... Not even a small rebuttal. Degrading and demoralising as it is love still lives through this. Or was it a commitment. For twenty plus years ive asked for a love less ordinary. It is very much less than ordinary. But no less valid. Go figure? Well, let me get back to the crux of the matter. 

I was laid squarely with the blame and no one except me to rectify it. And I will. And something will end and I will be sated but will I break something else with this vengeful selfishness? When a lover is too afraid to risk it all it is not love. It is far less. Not for want of trying. You see other types of love get in the way. All the one that you see and don't see everyday. but the masculine in me will not appreciate the feminine. Love is fucked up. And it won't matter what you do. There will always be a greener pasture and I'm not sure if you stick it out there will even be a reward. I'm trying to make it work. All my needs and small hopes crushed everyday with the 'I'll make it up to you one day' bullshit that's just the palm off linel like one single fuck is given till I raise it up again. Which, In turn invariably inspires guilt and rage. funnily enough not for my inadequacies, but theirs.  Not me who does deliver. Now I am a victim of their double standards. So is it men? Is it family? They don't get the sowing the seed and tending the garden? Women continually worn to the bone then acting like men forced to be their own men... Well that's a whole other issue. Men are self serving, self appreciating and self depreciating. They haven't got a clue and neither do women. They have the same inequities it seems. From mother to son father to daughter, mother to father, brother to sister, lover to lover. We simply aren't capable of accepting love in any other form than we need it. It often cancels out any other multiudious love acts. 

Back to the other who stood up for me. A person of little respect for they have achieved, same mo. Good heart and a generous spirit respected by me. Yeah, love requires respect, the bond is not enough. I have been loved well and loved poorly. Here's the irony the one who has it all loves poorly though not less, and the other who had not even a kiss loves me best.  Love is a load of bullshit too many rules written by too many players. Religion has nothing to do with love, sometimes it happens by accident. The lovers covenant is far more sacred one. The less earthly desires catered for the higher the love, the more earthly desires catered for the deeper the love but it is a need based love and nothing like the other yet both on par for creating the greatest moments in love ever to have existed. And so each time I'm no better or worse off than where I started, because your imagination is a poeerful tool. So is your mindset, nothing can surpass the feeling of creation you enacted by coming together, a life ignited by two people who nourish its light because of the joy. It's challenging work, it's selfless. And I guess why the passive aggressive devaluing is a small price to pay for the joy in their eyes, when the pain and hurt subsides with its agressive host pride. And that second coffee cup in the morning. And the laughter and the crazy game of cat and mouse. Whatever, It stays a conundrum and I ever split between loves. In the end it's all bullshit that can disappear, but having said that it's my prerogative. After all, im only human And trying to figure out love.

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