959 Rant: Naptermath

Haha, get it? I just took a nap.

So it seems the likelihood of me being able to move into a house in Columbus with Rob is growing quite a lot. I have to admit that I'm really nervous, but I can't let those nerves deter me. I've let that happen far too many times in my life.

There isn't much left for me in Cincinnati right now. I imagine that after living in Columbus for a year or so, Rob and I may choose to return, but honestly that may not be the case. There are a lot of things in this city that I'd really like to get away from. I need to learn to be an adult and to take care of myself, and getting away from my family for a short while will be the best way to do that. Rob knows the area well and can show me around, so I'm not particularly worried about that. This is a big step, but it may be a big step in a direction that I am desperate to move in.

I hate my job to the point that being there can really take a toll on me some times. The environment's just become poisonous, and though I did enjoy it for quite some time, I can't deal with how stressed everyone is all the time. I'm at a point in my mind right now where I can hardly deal with anything; I'm so frazzled and upset by the stupidest shit and it drives me out of my mind because I was never, ever anywhere near this bad.

Sports Co. and Kattus have some sort of sister company up in Columbus, though I'm not entirely sure where at. I was thinking of maybe asking them to put in a good word for me; maybe even ask about hiring me on for a few months until I can get settled and find something better. Apparently there's some sort of percussion shop up there, and that just sounds awesome.

Today I've felt stretched to my absolute limit. I don't know what it is that's done this to me, but I really see no good in life right now. Besides the possibility of moving, there is nothing to look forward to. I hate being at home, I hate being out, I despise being at work and everything in between. I'm a prissy little pain in the ass and I've given up on finding a girl any time soon as I feel worse about myself than I ever have, so I'm not really too concerned about that.

I weigh less and am in better shape now than pretty much at any other time in my teenage or adult life, and I should be so proud of myself. But then I look at Kevin who just puts me to shame in both of those realms, and feel inadequate.

It's horrible of me to think so, but getting away from some of the people that I know will be so refreshing. I won't be constantly concerned about competing with Kevin for notice from girls, and I may even be able to finally disregard my feelings for Christina for good.

They'll come visit us I'm sure, but that's up to them. I won't be coming back often and when I do, I'll be spending time with my family.

I don't really know what everyone will think of me leaving. Everyone knows that I'm unhappy and that I'm struggling, so I hope that they understand. I need a change of scenery. I need to go up there and grow the fuck up. Chico will come with me and that will be nice; cats can always cure loneliness a bit. One of the best parts is that Rob won't be so lonely anymore either, and I'm glad. Hopefully we can both motivate each other to get out and create a second stable group of friends up there in Columbus. I know Rob has friends up there, but it doesn't sound like he sees them often.

I don't really know if I'm a good person anymore or if I deserve for this to work out. I'm hoping and praying that this is what all of my bad karma has been leading up to, but I really don't know. I'm scared, but I'm not going to ruin anything for myself. I'll be getting away from my shitty job, my failure at Cincinnati State and the aftermath of my relationship with Emily.

This will be a totally new start in a totally new place, and I think that's what's so appealing about it.

Plus, Rob and I will be able to play and record music whenever. we. want. Now that just sounds amazing. I'll be able to learn about bass, and maybe even more about guitar, and my drumming will improve exponentially. We'll be able to write music together and maybe even eventually play shows.

I want this to work out so badly. Nothing has worked out lately and I'm falling apart. I have nothing but bad days anymore and I don't really know what I did to deserve it. I have to try to fix it somehow. I'm so unhappy and so dead to everything and everyone and it's so frightening some times. I can barely motivate myself to do anything at all once I come home from work. I want to exercise and write poetry and get back into art, but I rarely can find it in me to do anything but put on some music, take a shower and lay down for a while letting my thoughts slow down.

I'll miss my friends, but I need some time away from them. I'll miss my family more than anything, but we need to know how to exist away from each other. I imagine once I'm out and settled, my parents will divorce and go their separate ways. Maybe that's a good thing. I want them to be happy, and they aren't happy together. I just want everyone I know to be happy, but I have to think about me first. This decision is about me and what I want, not what the people around me want.

If anybody who bothered reading this entire thing has some advice for me, I'd appreciate it. I'm scared but excited as well, and I want to think that this could work out. I've always been told that everything happens for a reason, but I've learn to not believe that in the slightest. Maybe going through with all of this could prove me wrong.

Please God, bring some sunlight to me.

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