The New, and the Different

Have you ever felt that special kind of sorrow? It's hard to even call it sorrow, really. It's as if you're missing something that was never there to begin with. It's a warm and tender sense of longing; almost comforting in its mystery and presence. Feeling it somewhere just below your heart somehow makes you smile while bringing tears to your eyes.

Maybe it's simply a strong desire for some purity; something so flawless and beautiful that you cannot help but cling to the very idea that you may get to experience it one day. It's envy, in a strange way. To see some sort of example that you set your sights upon, and to be automatically let down because you feel undeserving or unable to achieve it.

Each day, I feel a sense of numbness overcoming me. It's soothing and it feels like a solution to all the madness that I've been able to keep at bay. All of this turbulence that occasionally reveals itself; I feel as if simply embracing these assumptions and conclusions that have been lingering at the back of my mind would quell the storm and allow me to exist in a sort of relaxed, casual and monotonous way.

But I am never going to settle for less than what I deserve.

I will not succumb to these shallow inclinations and pessimistic views. I have come such a long way and I still have such a long way to go, but I have not journeyed such a long way just to finish my reconstruction halfway. I set out to become a new me, and I intend to finish the job. I will not assume the worst, nor will I accept anything less than what I want and what I need. I've done so much; set my sights higher than I ever thought they would be and tried harder than I ever thought that I would. To give up the fight now would only be denying myself the enlightenment that I am so close to reaching.

I have absolutely no idea what the future may have in store for me. I have no intentions of dodging what is meant to be, nor do I plan to try and deny what I have already done. I have made a plethora of mistakes and am riddled with flaws, but what does that signify? It signifies my humanity: my flesh, my blood, and my ignorance. But humans can evolve when the need arises, and adapt when provoked through change.

Change has occurred in my life. And through the violent throes of the human condition, I have suffered a great deal. But this suffering is common; almost trite. It was expected, it was predicted, it was experienced and it ruled me.

But no more.

One of the true marvels of mankind is how each of us react so differently to good fortune, to tragedy and to love. Many in my situation would have simply shut themselves down -- for days, months or maybe even years at a time. I was in a monumental amount of pain and the injuries that I had sustained were debilitating, but I walked on.

I dragged my feet.

I ran my mouth.

I cried my fucking eyes out.

But I moved on.

I endured, I improved and I became absolutely determined to be a better person.

Now, I have become the person that I was always meant to be.

And I am simply waiting patiently for the next amazing thing in my life to begin.

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