is my biggest issue on the stand

the fact that i want what i want on demand

or the fact that i've changed and no one sees

the vast diversity of my beliefs

i dare not show what's going on

since it never truly matters who's right or wrong

the simple fact is things don't belong

in the path of this woman who's forced to be strong

i've seen alot of foulness and lived through pain

been the only one standing out in the rain

that poured so hard til it was a screen

that gave me a mentality so serene

i describe what i know and am  misunderstood

for refusing to jump out my haven in the hood

by folks who simply want my spot

but can't handle the heat when the block gets hot

they learn bits and pieces of what they call my life

criticize me for continuing to be his wife

when all they do is give their souls

giving out pussies with remote controls

i once took a vow that i cannot dismiss

and sealed it with a great big kiss

3 witnesses the fruit of it

2 tossed into a cold dirt pit

the one who lives, i try to teach

we're surounded by haters so i can't reach

these arms that wrap a stranger in love

familiars disrespect and sink above

i try to understand how my life is better

by constantly writing myself love letters

that open my eyes to the wrongs in my way

that i try to correct day after day

i sit in the dark writng to me

i walk in the night i cry to sleep

i been filled with wisdom and i try to share

with those who don't listen and don't even care

i make steps to move but the plaster is drying

i reject the wrong way of living and dying

i can't share my core for that is my life

if told you more it wouldn't suffice

my brain overflows with joy and with pain

my heart's overwhelmed with who i became

i open my lips to share all the good

the bad is what's heard and misunderstood

i shook loose my friends so i'd have a choice

and now it's my family who's deaf to my voice

accused of stupidity for doing what's best

stripped of fluidity to support them no rest

my soul feels weary, this stress on my chest

as i try and decipher what to do next

i never believed her when she used to say

one day you will miss me while you're on your way

the closest ones to you, they hate you the most

when you're feeling down they'll drink and they'll toast

i knew it was true just never how deep

so i simply stay quiet as i write and weep

we're only apart by less than a year

but when ever she cries i wipe every tear

why my life goes wrong i am scolded and torn

why hate on me cuz i was first born

i learned that love is to be given a chance

even if you're tooo tired to have the last dance

that doesn't make me dumb

for behaving numb to allow a fool to prove they're a bum

that silly ring i wore is the real reason why

i lay as his whore and continue to cry

they were his kids too and part of him died

when no one who cared would help me to try

no one who lives would ever "get over"

having their life pased through a lawn mower

i live with a soul inside this shell

it's no longer my life if i constantly tell

and even though now i suffer with grief

not from my loss,but from disbelief

it is not ever what happened but only the way

that things are transpiring everyday

i know how he is and family too

but i still love you all no matter what we go through

i don't live my life by tic for tac

and i am not sister theresa so what ever i lack

i will get for me and all who're around

so quit trying to force me into the ground

if i traded my security to pass it along

i'd still be told i did something wrong

to give it to someone who more selfish than i

to give it to someone who won't even try

unless it's destruction or whys and goodbyes

i took all the tests i await my rewards

why step out the way of what i am moving towards

why tell me i can't, when it's proven i will

why stomp on my heart and try to kill

my very essence is pure though i play

never confuse me with who you wish i'd portray

i look like a victim cuz i'm laying low

real close to the clay so the potter can show

when He does it for me, He's done a great thing

rebuilding this woman releasing my chains

i've lessons to learn that i won't grip high up

excess baggage to burn for when He fills my cup

and it overflows and rolls out when i speak from my heart

the truths I was shown when i felt ripped apart

i married someone who loves to have things

even I was a thing or so he thinks

told me he loved me and showed me a ring

stifled my life where i couldn't even sing

my twin who 'loves' me was jealous of me

and the nothing i had that she couldn't see

just tore me down to benefit her

since she sees things the way they were

it's all my fault for hiding the change

cuz i was afraid to rearrange

and regroup the acquaintances who mean me no harm

away from the ones whose lies have no charm

i know what i need to do, but i start to grieve

thinking of all i must let go of to recieve

the unknown, but better that's laid out for me

thinking of  how my people are my seed

i finally let go of smoking the weed

that made me forget all my personal needs

engulfed in envy and surrounded by greed

of hard headed people who see but don't heed

i'm walking on eggshells some broke i fell through

trying to live like the others do

i have a few secrets up my sleeve

besides the fact that i truly believe

the fact that i'm mum is construed as my demise

but sometimes silence flows through the wise

how can i transform by speaking a path

when i don't hold the pencil to do the math

Author's Notes/Comments: 

my heart aches and i am feeling low.....

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