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Meeting you (It was like Andy but without the doubt)
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2011 When I commit to someone I commit.
I do not do so lightly, I consider fully if I am able to commit,
if I can stand by the commitment, and if I think I will ever want out of it.
There is no such thing as one foot in the other out, with me, its all of me or nothing.
So when I decided to give my life to a man, to have his child and take on his name...
and wear a ring and the dress and the whole nine yards,
I did so with every intention on it never ending.
I was willing to workout every fight, talk over ever major decision and compromise my life for him.
Yet there was always this doubt in me, this ‘did I do the right thing?’ sleeping in the back of my mind.
So when that fell apart, when that didn’t last forever,
I decided I would never let myself connect to someone in that way again,
I would let myself want it,
say it,
even act on it,
but I would never let myself feel it.
I began to fear it, the real it not the false it, not the fake it,
not the ‘I love you’,’ I want you’, ‘I need you but really’,
I feared the ‘honestly share my life with me’,’ two become one’,
‘have my body, heart, mind and soul because I willingly give it to you. ’feeling.
It only makes sense that when I felt the real it with you I was terrified beyond words,
and I felt the need to do anything and everything I could to not feel it,
to hide from it and if need be kill it in the both us.
After all, if it hurt that much to lose the one I wasn’t sure of...
how bad would it be when I lost the one I was sure of?
