Through Gritted Teeth

Life is full of many firsts. First steps. First word. First love. For me the most dreaded was first kiss.

 

  I grew up your cliche awkward nerd. Fumbling for words at the mere sight of a beautiful woman. Start sweating profusely as I awkwardly stare at the ground mumbling the words I want so dearly to shout so I can finally be heard. The slightest interactions starting an impending downward spiral of crippling anxiety. In my head I was as suave as could be, everything meticulously planned out but the instant those thoughts were to be put to action everything just went sideways. This was no exception for my first kiss.

 

  Awkward, book worm, anxiety riddled romantic. Pretty much a walking cliche from the novels and movies I lived vicariously through. So in my mind there was no "hey I love you let's kiss real quick." It was the world shattering, sparks flying, books will be written about our love, oh boy this is magic, first kiss. Needless to say I hyped the moment up in my mind quite a bit. My friends in school had already slept with multiple women and yet I was still seeking out that one special person that made me feel the way the movies told me I should. And then I found her.

 

  Jessica. It was love at first sight. And the crazy part about it was she could see me as well. Actually see me. For what seemed the first time in my entire life. I firmly believe you feel things much more intensely when you are young and oh man were my feelings intense. This was the one. The girl I would kiss for the very first time.

Well I'm going to put it out there. In my mind I may have been an expert on all things romance and love. Thinking that all the great romances over the centuries portrayed in movies and books that I had studied vigorously had prepared me enough to blow this girls mind. But deep down I was still that awkward boy who made a mess of all things social. This was no exception.

 

  She had invited me over to her house while her parents were out for the night. It was time for the big moment. A moment that I had hyped up in my mind so much that my nerves were shot the entire night. A movie was playing in the background while we were cuddled together on the couch. It was here. The moment of truth. The world altering, mind blowing, first kiss that would change everything. For the worse.

I leaned in. Lip caressing lip. Everything I had imagined. Could go wrong. I have absolutely no idea what my tongue was doing or why it was doing it. This isn't how I had planned this event so precisely in my mind. If she hadn't brushed her teeth that day it was no problem because my tongue went to work glossing over every single one. She went for more of a standard kiss on the lips strategy and apparently I was French for the night. She propelled herself backwards like she had just remembered I had the plague and let loose a laugh that I can still hear to this day. She showed me to the door and so ended the first love story of my life.

 

  Since then I've had my share of first kisses and the lessons learned from the very first have made for many more success stories than failures. But to this day every first kiss with a girl is made a bigger deal in my head by that first failure in my young romantic life.

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