Questions of Life

Literary Passages

Questions of Life

    Staring into the mirror, through the red thick veins and glazed pupils I almost don't recognize myself. It takes a moment to see through the haze and find myself within the clear glass frame. The long hair hiding facial features normally visible when the hair is pulled back tight, I stare trying to find myself within this abstract view. As if I had lost my own image years ago, questioning every little feature about yourself, not the skin, the bumps or any of the external features but rather whats under the flesh, as if an invisible layer would reveal secrets of time.

"who am I?" I often finding myself asking, What makes a person who they are? circumstance? Chance? Fate? pre-defined in a higher intelligence? What is exactly the meaning of life? Why am I pondering such questions at 5 o'clock in the morning? Drunk and stoned questions pour through my head as if there were no filters, often I find myself asking the sole question "what is the purpose of me even being here?" obviously I will not be the next big inventor, or the next great star. Even now a mundane, plain Jane writer who can hardly spell or even correct his grammar. sometimes its hard finding the motivation, or inspiration to create something view by only myself or a select group. who cares what others think right? well why create if not to inspire another?

Disappointment can be found within everything, even your lovers and friends. Sometimes it can drive you mad, a temporary insanity found within the folds of years of bonding, trying to form something more then just acquaintances, more then a casual chance meeting within the walls of a popular store. Someone to share your goals and dreams with? Can you put a value on friendship? how many times can they disappoint you before you grow tired of hearing excuses? before you get tired of feeling like your always the odd man out? or worse the third wheel? Is there a time when you should call it quits? move on?

I have witnessed a great deal so far within the short amount of time I've spent on this earth. I've been through hell and back survived encounters that should have taken me from this planet many times over. The laws of physics say I should be dead right now, overdosed three times in my life, should have died twice in accidents involving a car, Drank and done drugs enough to tranquilize an elephant. Yet I am still breathing, still kicking, still fighting yet deep down I can feel a greater presence. A need to be at peace, as if I'm still trying to find something I do not know. Is that where I get the question who am I? will I ever find out before I die? or just by chance is that the kicker to the whole mystery of life? that you find your purpose your every meaning and thats the stage point for your completion? your death?


    You see Death has always fascinated me from as far back as I can remember I've been fixated on the essence of death, not dieing but the death itself. To see it within our perspective they fall out of existence, fade away with time. Their bodies decomposing within the earth that spawn them. Is there a soul that carries on into another existence? Only those who have gone before us truly know this answer, you can be the most devout believer can even claim to speak with 'God' yet unless you die you truly do not know this answer, just what you judge to be true, or better what you wish to be. I am not saying this is wrong or bad, in fact I encourage this for if this life is all we have than its a pretty shitty existence and reason to be alive, for this world is full of turmoil and suffering and such little beauty and love. I am only saying that with all your faith there is no proof to the existence of another life after this one.

From todays standard a hundred years is a LONG time to live, I am sure one can grow tired of living and chose to pass on. No I am not claiming or condoning suicide I am referring to the will to live. A will thats as flexible as a gymnast one day you wish to survive and another you could wish for death, circumstances within your life change day to day and this affects your mood which in turn affects your desires.

There is one truth in life that affects us all no matter who trivial it may seem to you, that if it affects me, or how trivial it would be for me if it were to affect you. and that would be our conscious, call it our soul. Dreams could be lumped into this as well, as it all boils down to perception and possibilities a significant impact within our lives yet unexplainable by an rational means. A true Mystery in which cannot be solved at least so far within my time.

I find myself once again wanting to set off for a walk, to leave this place and not look back as if looking over my shoulder at a shadowy figure lurking in the corner following me, Disappointment contributes a lot to this feeling of wanting to leave, Friends that I feel are no longer there for me as if we are slowing walking our separate paths to which we are to an extent. I had someone pretty much tell me or rather I got the impression of this from what he had said that he wanted me to get stuck in a dead end job with no outlook of a better life then a low end job at the bottom of the rack, as if bettering myself for a higher position in life is to good for me, trying to keep me down because he couldn't or apparently doesn't want to continue his education and strive for something better then what he's already got or can't hustle to get.

    That is the worlds worst problem, thinking your life is better then some others especially a friends. Yet we all do it a instinct were born with something brainwashing has nothing to do with, Survival of the fittest even if it were to come down to family yet some find others they would be willing to die for to sacrifice theirs to better another. Yet even those saints are guilty of this sin even in the slightest, weather it was from a good meal to personal gain or small material possession. A job? A car? maybe even a small competition or bet. We all put personal gain over mutual benefaction even if were doing it for the good of all, Yet to say this is wrong is to deny our rights as Humans to begin with as it's more natural than most food you consume today, As flaws makes us who we are, for we are not perfect. Or perhaps is that just what we are to think? perfection of wealth and property is nothing however compared to the perfection of the soul. And

after all the ability to question is the very foundation of higher intelligence and ascension.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

drunk and stoned and just felt like writing

so there are probably spelling and grammar errors haha

View matthewwayne's Full Portfolio