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I feel as though
a part of me
is retrieving Anthony
from the rubbles
of his death.
I think about
that I'm 20
and how I never felt
I would live
through high school
because of my living conditions
at home at that time
and how school went.
I think about how far
I've come, considering
I've had jobs
and held one
for 2 years
for it all to go
down the drain.
I think about
how I drive now.
It was the hardest thing
I ever had to do
to get in a car and drive
knowing everyone I do
that's been in car accidents
and Anthony, who died in one.
I think about
how I sit here
in complete despair sometimes
and he doesn't even get
a chance to feel.
I think about
how I cry over him
and mourn, but it doesn't
bring him back.
I think about
how I shouldn't be so sensitive
and should move on,
but I can't because
my heart is with him...
no matter what
and where he is.
I think about
how much I'd give anything
to have the hug
I waited for
my whole life
and when he died
that last opportunity died.
I kissed his cheek, that day,
but he didn't feel it.
He didn't know it.
He doesn't know
how much
it hurt me.
No one does.
No one knows
how much I think about it
and how much all I want
is him back.
I'd give anything,
including my life,
for him,
but unfortunately fate
is in God's hands,
not mine.
I wonder what he'd
say or think or feel or laugh at
while he's standing
watching over me
because no one else
really protects me
and loves me
like he did.
I had this incredible bond
with him
that no one can
compare to or relate to,
but it was unconditional love
and that's so hard to find.
I never realized
how much I cared
until he died
and it was too late.
He'll never
give me
that hug.
He didn't get to
see me drive
or work
or graduate.
He won't be
at my wedding.
He won't be
at my bedside
when I become
a woman with
a child or children.
He won't be there
when I need
an ear or a shoulder.
He won't be there
when I'm old and white/gray
and want to hear
his laughter.
No matter what I say,
no matter what I do,
I can't bring him back
and it's the hardest thing
in life for me to accept
because I love him
more than anything,
more than anyone,
more than myself.
He's that higher being
that kept me going
and I don't know
how to move on,
trudge on,
without him
when all I want
is to see
or hear
or feel
or touch him again
and let him know
how much I love him,
but, no matter what,
in this agony of mine,
I can't...
bring him back.