Look Down the Barrel

Personal Poems

I lie down one last night.

Stare out the window,

To the dark sky everyone else sees.

I find my thoughts dwell,

On how alone I’ll be.

On how alone I am now.

A few friends are not enough.

I think how empty a house is.

Just you and the walls.

No words ever returned.

I stare down the barrel,

Into the darkness.

A tear slides down my face.

Why kill myself.

I'm dead already.

I used to never understand.

Why people would want to die.

Yet it makes sense to me now.

I can relate to how they felt.

Do I want to die?

It’s a question I have asked a few too many times.

It scares me how much I think,

Do I want to die?

I sit alone now,

The stars shine onto my face.

My hand trembles on the trigger,

As the cold steel touches my head.

Would people care if I was gone?

Would people cry?

Or would I fade away,

Without so much as goodbye.

Would my life flash before my eyes...


That’s a good one.

Mine is so pathetic there’s nothing to see.

Hiding for so long,

And now coming clean.

Still doesn’t help.

Still I sit alone.

Still I stare out into the night,

And this cold steel pressed into my head.

Do I want to die?

I'm dead already.

I have no life.

I have friends,

But that’s never enough.

I’m a man alone,

A man apart.

A man that’s a child,

Lost in this world.

Is there a man who cares?

But also understands?

And can be here beside me?

Not now,

Not as my hand trembles,

Feeling the trigger below my finger.

One little tug.


Life’s over.

What does that accomplish?

Would it get any better?


I can't.

I don't want to die.

I want to live.

I know what its like to be dead,

I have felt it for so long.

Walking around as if in a trance.

Trained to act like everyone else.

Trained to be normal.

I did it so well.

And it's time to stop.

Let them see through it.

Let them understand.

For now it’s over,

Let them be afraid,

Let them laugh.

It’s an act I can no longer play.

A role I don't fit anymore.

I move to stare down the barrel.

The cold ness in my hands.

The blackness before my face.

One pull of a trigger and everything fades away.

My body is shaking,

Rocking back and forth.

Do I try to find a man?

Or do I try to get away.

Do I try to find one that cares?

Or do I throw my cares away.

I stare down the barrel,

The blackness that’s my fate.

Pull the trigger,

Bang I’m dead.

No that won’t be my fate.

I’ll do as I have done.

Use all the strength I have.

Survive one more night.

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