Pain

Folder: 
Pre-2006 Poems

Always wondered,

Never known.



Should this affect me so much?

I don’t know.

I don’t care.



I hate the man,

I really truly hate him.

Who he really is,

And what he has done.



My father,

That’s a joke.



I thought we were so close,

Spent so much time together.

Just hanging out,

Going for drives,

Hiking,

Normal shit Dads and Sons should do.



Then one night he disappears,

He never did care.

He doesn’t want to talk to me,

Doesn’t want to know me.

Won’t even give me the money left to me.



How could he lie so much?

Harm his very own son…





… In times of pain,

Some cry,

Some sleep,

Some cut.



But there are those,

The small minority,

That tries to hide from the pain.



And at that moment,

When the dam fails,

And the pain spills out.



Hits you like a ton of bricks,

Knocks the breath from your lungs.

You don’t know what to do,

The last thing you want is pity.

Maybe you just want to be alone.



But no matter what,

In the end,

You just patch up the dam,

And hope it holds…



… He lied to my face,

He lied to his own son,

Even when he had no real reason to do so.

He doesn’t know I’m gay,

He has no reason to hate me yet.

No reason to be disappointed…



Why me,

How could someone I could say was my best friend,

Do that.

After all that was said,

All that was shared.



For him to just disappear and say I don’t exist.

To take away my house,

My car.



He doesn’t deserve what he has,

He should feel the pain.

The pain of dieing on the inside.

Wondering why your father hates you so much,

When he doesn’t have a reason to yet.



No one realizes,

Just how much it hurts.

How much the wound keeps bleeding,

No matter how many bandages I find.



I wrap the deep cut in a smile,

Hide the pain with a laugh.

But seem see those moments when it spills through,

Staring into the distance.

Don’t know what to do.



Maybe there is something wrong,

Maybe I don’t deserve to go to school,

Have a car…

Have a life.

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