entry 4

What is wrong with me? I feel nothing. I am supposed to be human. Am I not? Am I not human? All I ever feel is drained and disconnected from the world. Like I don't belong. I look around the world at all the people walking along smiling, like they have no worry in the world. I watch my friends as they joke with each other, laugh and enjoy life. Why don't I enjoy life? I bitch about the people who think their lives suck when here I am not appreciating what I have been given. I have a place, lots of friends who care for me, and yet I am not happy. Am I unpleasable? Can no one please me? What is it that brings me down, what is the power that's holding me back? Why do I feel like nothing can help me? I want the help, I want to live. I want to be happy, but I can not be happy if I am not happy now with what I've got. Before, suicide was all based on revenge to me, but now... suicide is all about relieving the pain. Call me selfish... I am not selfish. I have lived my life in pain... now I must be reborn again and the only way to do that is to die. I have tried to make my friends happy, that is all I want is to make them happy. That is my only goal in life is to make them happy for I don't want them to feel the pain I feel. Should I stay alive to make them happy? Yet with my sorrow I will only become more unattached to the world and I will soon become a speck of dust that will no longer have any meaning. What do I do? If I die, my friends will be hurt and my goal would have been ruined... but if I stay alive I will only depart from them with my isolation and then will it be a good time for me to go? Perhaps I should wait 'till then for it already seems that I am dead.

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