entry 3

I realized something about my life today. Well, I had already known it for a long time, but I just recently thought about it. I have nothing to live for. I don't really have anyone to turn to. I mean, no one wants to be around someone who is depressed all the time. So I think starting tomorrow I'll begin staying away from everybody I care about. I've already avoided one person... he seems really happy. Seems. Even though it hurts me to see someone I care about not give a damn about me in return. I'm still happy that he's enjoying life now. God forbid he was probably getting annoyed with me always being around. I think that trying to avoid everyone will soon get a little hard for me, so maybe I'll just kill myself. It'll be a lot easier for all of us. Shit. It already seems like I'm invisible. I don't belong anywhere. I don't belong here. At all. Every morning it's the same. I go to the same spot in the hallway and when I sit down, no one even glances to see me sitting down. I'm always in my own little corner all alone, watching "my friends" talk amongst themselves completely oblivious that I'm even there. I want to kill myself so bad and it's been getting harder to resist the feeling. The temptation. But I just don't want anyone hating me and thinking I am selfish. And I know the one person I really like, will. If he could only see it through my eyes, then he would understand. He would see the pain that rips me apart everyday. He would know that I am getting weak and can't seem to take it as easy anymore. Only then would he realize I am not being selfish. I just want everyone to be happy and not have to worry anymore about me. I just want to stop pretending and the lying. I want to end this suffering. I can't get better  I don't want to be selfish. But I don't want to cry anymore either. Oh God, I wish there was someone out there who could just remind me of all the good things there is to live for and help me let go of my pain. I need help because I can't do it by myself. I've gone blind and can't see the happiness anymore. I've gone numb and can't feel it either. I don't want to die but it is getting so hard to ignore the temptation. I've gone to therapy for three fucking years and I still can't feel the happiness. Maybe there is no hope. Maybe I was destined to commit suicide. Somebody please help me. I'm afraid. If I can't wake up before this year is over I'll do it. I'll end my life and start everyone else's over. That is my final decision. God, please wake me up before it's too late.

Read the poem "Reality Nightmare"

"Reality Nightmare"

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