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For years I’ve been searching for something more,

No matter how hard I tried, nothing ever worked.

But I kept going, even though it made me sore,

Even though they knocked me down, even though it always hurt.



So many times I wanted to stop and give up hope,

I had no confidence left, with just that it was hard to cope.

I pushed away what little was left, everything was broke,

There I was alone with no one, all I did was mope.



I realized it didn’t help to cry if no one was there to see,

I had to commit some trust again, and so light came to me,

I had very few friends, but somehow I just felt free,

I began to believe I could give someone my heart, and they wouldn’t let it bleed.



So I searched again, the same happened each time,

The same deception, the same excuses, the same lies,

But then all of a sudden I met someone who was willing to try,

And the things I felt, I hadn’t for so long in my life.



Everything was going great, It was pure bliss,

I felt so alive every time we would kiss,

I was finally given a chance, and this time I wouldn’t miss,

I was so happy, I’ve never had something as great as this.



But over time I began to notice that something wasn’t there,

I didn’t say a word, I thought there was no need to worry,

I guess I pushed it aside, I didn’t think she’d care,

But soon I was to see that things went flat in a hurry.



Communication is key, I should’ve spoke right away,

Communication I found, is something we’d really need.

And still I said nothing, until finally one day,

I broke down and I told her everything I wanted to say.



So as we talked I felt such a sigh of relief,

The weight on my shoulders finally got to leave.

My mind finally cleared and I felt closer to you,

I felt I jumped a hirdle, and I hoped you did too.



Things improved and everything seemed alright,

Now we had communication, now everything was right.

I knew I could talk to you about anything now,

And I didn’t have to be afraid or worry about how.



As the days went by, something came to mind.

Everything we do is the same every night.

Nothing special happens, we just sit and watch tv.

As much as I love spending time with you, it just didn’t seem enough for me.



The same routine continued, it was almost like a chore,

A quick kiss and “goodnight” then I was right out the door.

Things just weren’t what they once were anymore,

I began to think that I just became dull and a bore.



Back when it began we could hardly get one another to leave,

As long as we could we would try to be in each others company.

That was the greatest thing, we would tickle and we would smile,

It didn’t matter if we were tired, we made every visit worth our while.



As the weeks passed, all that began to fade,

I thought maybe it was just a phase, why should I complain?

For the first time I can say I actually have a girlfriend,

She is beautiful, she’s amazing, she’s not fake or pretend.



I knew something was wrong now, but I just got confused,

I began to be ignored for no reason at all, what could I do?

I never thought I’d end up getting pushed away from you,

You were actually hurting me, I didn’t think it could be true.



Finally I had to find out why things were going so wrong,

Now that I look back, I wish I wouldn’t have waited so long.

You told me you’re afraid to get too close, afraid to commit,

But I don’t think what you told me is completely it.



I said that you I would never hurt,

Instead of embracing the line, you said they were just famous words.

And to this I can agree, some people abuse what it means,

But I hope that you know me well enough to trust me.



I finally found a word to the problem at hand,

It seems there was something between us that you had planned.

There is a wall that stands tall between us, thus me being pushed away,

It’s more that we’re being held back, we’re just okay, we can’t be great.



I did too find out that I have done some pushing of my own,

This was something I didn’t expect, but it’s good to know.

Since our talk I’ve already strived to fix what I’ve done,

I hope that it will help make the wall come undone.



There was one thing I asked that really made me weary,

Even after a long pause you still failed to answer clearly.

I asked if you would continue to push, or would you take the wall apart,

And there has still been no answer, I hope this doesn’t last until we depart.



I know there’s not a great amount of time left,

But we are not what we really could be.

Maybe inside you are subconsciously afraid,

Only you can decide if you want this to stay the same.



I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make this better,

That’s why I wrote this, it’s my best shot at some kind of letter.

I’ve never been good at remembering all I’ve wanted to say,

Writing is kind of my thing, so this helps me in some way.



Eventually you will have to trust people and commit to them,

Whether it be friendships or relationships, it can’t always be condemned.

It’s lonely when everyone gets pushed away and misunderstood,

Sometimes you’ll get hurt, not everyone in this world is good.



But from bad experiences we learn, we can’t always hide from the things that hurt,

Fears and worries have to be confronted and conquered, otherwise nothing will work.

It would suck to look back and ask what if, what could have been?

I hope we can both work together to get past this instead.