Oct 8th, the day i finally woke up.

Laying on the floor, thinking about the past.

The bad days taking over me again.


But that isnt whats bothering me today.

The screaming, the yelling, the your nothing, 

and nobodys are kiling me. The in your face,

i hate yous, your stupied, your deaf, your a liar.

The fuck you and everything you ever dos.


You finally leave, and im left on the floor again,

crying into my arms, trying not to wake the baby again.

He doesnt need to hear his momma dying inside.

Begging God to take this pain from me, saying i cant take it anymore.


Thinking the thoughts no women should have to think.

That maybe i should end it all, maybe my sons will be better off,

with out me. My thoughts are getting darker again, day by day,

 i cant think straight. 


Postpartum doesnt mix well with depression that i already had on the shelf.

Doesnt go with the crazy cocktail of abuse, and daily doses of hate.


The guilt tells me im a shitty mother, I cant get out of bed some days,

no strength left in me to face the world. Wishing i could end everything and get away.


My kids need better, this isnt healthy , i want to live,

all 3 statements are true, but my head is clouded.


TIll one day i finally woke up, I finally opened my eyes,

and i could see past all the bad days, all the lies.


I didnt love you, like i did when we first met.

The love and feelings where left far behind.


I finally got the strength to say goodbye.

Pack my bags, and walk away with my heart.


I left everything else behind with you,

I had to leave, or i was gonna loose myself.


I was going to die in your arms, if i didnt free 

myself from this nightmare.


My kids need there mother, 

their mother needs herself.


I will never love a abusive man again,

this cycle is ending now. I am finally free.


I am elfy, I am Erica, I am ME.



Author's Notes/Comments: 

My freedom date is Oct 8th, 2017. 


I have been in cycle of abusive relationships since i was old enough to date. It stems from a abusive family life, and it looked normal, so i went with what was sadly comfortable. Time for the cycle to end. I want someone who will love me for me, and stand by me as i work for my dreams.

Does it sound strange to say i guess i was adicted to it? Why else would i think its ok? My dad was my abusier, my uncle who raised me is my hero. I want to date someone who is kind, loving, and caring like my uncle. No longer to date men like my dad.


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