Committed

Folder: 
Poems.

Struggling often with these feelings.

Wishing often for some dealings.

 

Committed.

 

Perfect beings causing feelings.

Mindless waiting without dealings.

 

Committed.

 

Oblivious of these feelings 

Desiring validation through dealings.

 

Committed.

 

Walking a fine line with these feelings 

Stepping away from temptation of dealings.

 

Committed.

View mittens4444's Full Portfolio
eleven_eleven's picture

needs more variation in the

needs more variation in the word choices

mittens4444's picture

Thanks for the suggestion, but

it's exactly the structure I was going for. I wanted the last word of each line to repeat in that pattern.

Starward's picture

With all due respect to

With all due respect to eleven_eleven, and no confrontational dispute intended, I must honestly disagree with the comment about the need for more variation in the words.  The verbal structure of the words certainly does produce the effect intended.  Also, while reading your poem, I was reminded of some of the words and phrases from T. S. Eliot's poem, The Hollow Men.  The effect produced so successfully in your poem arises, I believe, from what is called epanalepsis and epimone.  Edgar A. Poe, who is not really one of my favorite poets, uses repeition quite skillfully in his poem, "The Bells."

  Again, I am not trying to be disrespectful toward eleven_eleven.  I am admittedly the most minor of minor internet poets, but I structure of this poem, which definitely conveys the emotion you described within it.


Starward

[ * /+/ ^ ]

eleven_eleven's picture

no offense taken. artists

no offense taken. artists should hear all feedback & opinions. your opinion is completely valid

Starward's picture

Thank you most kindly.

Thank you most kindly.


Starward

[ * /+/ ^ ]