Roller Coasters (Ramblings)


These last few months with you have been like a roller coaster and oh, how I love roller coasters. But I'm getting too old for this. This ride is making me sick and I can't do this much longer. I wanted to see you and I wanted to say, "Thank you for the ride. Thank you for making me feel alive."


I don't know where I would have been if I never met you. I don't know  where I am still. I know I'm not where I should be. I mean I'm not in a better place than I was seven months ago. But I was meant to meet you, meant to know you, and meant to change because of you. For the better? Well, we'll see. I hope so. But I guess that's all on me, isn't it?  


I didn't want to say goodbye. I wanted to caress your face again and look into your piercing blue eyes. I know that you're real and this is real. It wasn't what I wanted or what I needed. Maybe it's what I needed at the moment. You made me feel less alone. But at some point, I need to stop focusing on being less alone and focus on being ok with being alone and accepting myself. You showed me how to do that better.


I don't think you're all bad, just misguided. And gosh, I know better. I know better! I've been here before. These relationships that mean nothing and go nowhere. But I fell for you because you were such a good listener. And all the while I was pushing you away, pushing you away and you never leaving. Even when I wanted you to leave. Because I needed you here and maybe that's why I feel so close to you. 


But it's time for me get off this ride and find my footing again. I'll miss you and look for you in every other man I meet. Hoping to find bits of you in them. But more than that, I hope I can find myself.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Thomas </3

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