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A Picture of Grace
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Dedications I saved your voicemail the other night
when I had my emotional meltdown
in which you were caught in the crossfire.
Sober-minded, I replayed it today.
Your tone, discouraged but sympathic, said
"I don't know what to do."
And hearing that now made me instanteously sob
and not because it brought back
the hurt from that night.
I felt incredibly sorry for you
that you had to be at the end
of my unwarranted tirade.
I felt complete embarrassment that
in that moment I would ever think
that you had deserved such treatment.
The next day I had apologized,
and you said "I'm used to it by now."
I felt deep resentment towards myself
for putting you through this over and over
and I don't know why you put up with it.
That night I had been stewing on this belief
that you didn't care about me
and that devastated me because I loved you.
But the next day you proved that you did care about me,
sitting across from me over milkshakes
and waiting patiently for me to pour my heart out.
You listened and were compassionate
when I did not earn your kindness.
I hugged you so hard when we parted
because I felt immensely blessed
that God brought you into my life.
Every day you save me from destroying myself
and what a picture of grace
that I need to learn.
This interaction is representative of
my relationship with God,
anger, restoration, anger.
A neverending cycle
and I can see Him saying
the same things to me that you did.
He must be disappointed,
but His love is greater
so His heart breaks for my stubbornness to change.
