One Day at a Time

Personal (Hope)

I've come to the place where I don't want to die but I don't want to live like this either. I feel so stupid for thinking anyone actually cared. I feel so alone. I feel like so few have ever known me. And yes, I've come to realize that that is mostly my fault. 


I don't let people get too close to me. I've known my share of heartbreak and I tend to think any new person will treat me like those in my past. After all, you accept the treatment you think you deserve.


At times I feel like the world would be better without me. Other times I feel like I can't please the world because I will disappoint everyone and I can't live with myself knowing that I'm a failure. 


Often I wish I was someone else. I wish I thought differently, that these negative thoughts didn't consume me. I wish I could be more sociable and more likable. So often I think everyone hates me even though I know that's just my mind saying that. I also know that when you run around looking for what's wrong with everything you only end up miserable. 


So I try to get past the negative thoughts. I try to find hope in something, even some thing superficial like a future vacation or even an object that I really wanted. Anything to move beyond the destructive mindset. Sometimes just sleeping it off helps. 


I've wished that I would be cured but I know that's not realistic. I get through today. Then I get through the next day. One day at a time. That is the only way. And maybe some day I will look back and realize that there are many more good days than bad days. And that will be the day that I experience healing.

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