Fight and Flight

Personal (Hope)

I've struggled with low self-esteem for as long as I can remember. I've suffered with anxiety as well. So few things in my life have been consistent and so few people have been loyal that I fear I am not worthy of stability. My abandonment issues resulted in a negative pattern in my mind. I started to believe good things shouldn't come to me because they usually didn't. When things are going well, I try to find a problem even when there is none. It's a constant game of when will the other shoe drop and trying to stop it before it does. I go into survival mode and battle with things and people until the feeling goes away. I succumb to irrational thoughts and try to protect myself from pain. I have a tendency to want to control everything and when I feel powerless in a situation I think it is a threat. I am expecting to be ambushed at any moment so I fixate on the cause and fight it away. I narrow my focus on the source of my uneasiness. Often I over-exaggerate a circumstance or misinterpret someone's actions. Worrying is something to do but it's a neverending cycle that gets me nowhere. It would be better to zoom out and look at the big picture instead and be hopeful that things will work out. I need to believe that I deserve good things and to accept blessings at face value. I need to stop overthinking everything that happens and stop looking for heartache. Pain is evitable but when you look for it you are more likely to find it than if you let things occur naturally.


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