Diaries of an Invisible Woman (IV)

Standing behind a tree stealing looks at you look weird to some people that they give me that suspicious look. I take a deep breath and look at the sky. It is not a typical summer day as the weather is mildly moderate. Thank God for that, I do not need bad weather to make me more nervous and tense than I already am. I return my sight to where you are and watch you for some time. How handsome you look in casual wear! A white, cotton t-shirt show clearly the strong muscles you have on your chest and arms. I just love these dark, blue jeans that slide gracefully on your tall legs. You have not shaved today. I close my eyes and wonder how would your coarse cheeks feel like on the soft mine. I open my eyes and shake the distracting thought away. I am glad you have chosen such a quiet park to spend the morning in. you bury your face in a book that I cannot read its title from this distance. I raise my eyes to the sky again and whisper: “Please, help me!”

I check myself out before taking the first step. Would you like my soft, lilac shirt and white skirt? My white sportive shoes match the big, white, coarse bag I am hanging on my shoulder. I put on my tiny sunglasses and take a step towards you. You were leaning your back on a tree that laid a big shade on the sparkling grass. I walk on that narrow lane and stand a few meters away from you and look around as if I am looking for an unoccupied tree to lean on and read my book. Without looking at you, I notice that you raise your eyes to check the stranger who stands a few steps away from you. I give you my back and before taking the first step I drop my book. I bend down to pick it up, and in a clever, cunning movement, I drop my open bag to have most of its content spilt on the ground. I see your shade coming closer and my heartbeats start to race. I hope my flushed face will not reveal what is going inside me. You bend down and I hear your strong voice: “May I?” I smile at you when you start collecting my little stuff. I envy my tiny notebook and my blue pen because for a moment they lied peacefully in your big hands. I give you the softest smile and try to keep my voice normal when I say: “Merci!” I hear a cheerful “De rien!” while we both stand up. You keep your look fixed on me while I pretend looking for a place to sit in. “There is an empty place over here if you are looking for one,” you say it while pointing at the tree next to yours. “Oh, that’s great!” I say it with a thankful, slight bow and head for the unoccupied tree.

We both sit down leaning on the smiling trees with their murmuring leaves. You pick my book from the ground and read: “The Mill on the Floss by George Eliot”. I take off my sunglasses and start talking enthusiastically: “Yes, it is a beautiful, profound novel. Do you know that the author is actually a woman but because women were not allowed to publish their works in the 19th century, she had to choose a man’s name?” I wait for an amazed comment from you but I notice that you do not follow what I say. Instead, you say in a stray voice: “Do you know that your eyes have the color of warm caramel?” I blink twice trying to understand your remark. I lower my eyes looking at my trembling hands thinking of how would that caramel want to wrap you with its sweetness and warmth! I raise my eyes to you to find that you look amazed at what you just said as much as I do. We both laugh with embarrassment and start opening our books. Before I start reading, I hear you talking on your cell phone. “Good morning,” you say with a friendly tone, “how’s everything? … Great! I just wanted to apologize for not being able to meet you today… No, everything is okay but something came up and I think I’ll be occupied for the rest of the day. Will arrange something with you later on. Good. Ciao!” Though I pretend I am looking for something in my bag but I have noticed the side looks you have directed towards me. You finish your call and look at me to find my hand stretched with a tin box. “Coffee brownies?” I say with a big smile. You look as happy as a child who just found his favorite toy and you take one big piece. You open your mouth to take a bite but then you stop and move your whole body in my direction. You narrow your eyes and say: “Have we met before?” you say it while carefully examining my features. I laugh playfully and bury my face in my book while saying: “Maybe!”



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