Diaries of an Invisible Woman (III)

“It is cold!” is the first thing I think of when I open my eyes to find myself sleeping on that swing in your balcony. It is still night. I get into the house, push your ajar bedroom door and softly draw closer to your bed. You are sound asleep. I draw even closer to find you frowning and uttering passionate words I could not understand. You are upset but I cannot wake you up because now there is a big risk of you seeing me in front of you. Oh, how much I wish I could wipe every drop of sweat upon your forehead with my lips! I look with a heavy heart at your fingertips. Why am I so in love with them? Maybe because there is nothing in the world I hope for more than their tracing the signs of all the love I bear for you on my face. I move two steps back, sit on the ground, hold my legs to my chest and rest my chin on my knees. I have the chance of spending the rest of my life next to you…invisible. I thought of the possibility of losing everything if I choose to be visible to you. How would I spend my days without being next to you? Oh, how much I’d miss you; the dazzling smell of your black coffee, the water droplets falling off your hair after a quick shower, your giggle and how all your body shakes with it, your glasses and how you adjust them on your nose when you get serious, your eyes, fingertips. I close my eyes and bit my lips hoping that the physical pain would distract me from the pain I feel within. How hard it is to see all my hopes and dreams lying just two steps away from me without being able to embrace them? Why cannot I just rush to you and hold you close till out ribs hopelessly mingle and we can never let go?!

“I’ll take the risk!” I hear myself saying it while softly closing your bedroom door behind me. I look with sad longing to your hall, my red sofa, and the swing in the balcony. “Till later!” I blow them a kiss and leave your apartment with heavy steps. I open the main door, turn around before leaving and whisper with firm lips: “tomorrow you are meeting her, and tomorrow you are meeting me! I’ll fight even myself to visibly feel you and make you feel me in return. Till tomorrow!”



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