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Feel To Heal Time
In 53 years I have been through wars, marriages, divorces, relationships, childbirth, seen death and life on so many levels. Made life and death decisions for myself and others.
Suddenly I have no peace. The realization of a place, people, space I once felt safe, loved, seen, that I mattered. I have no peace. I have forgiven, apologized, been told I'm wrong. I'm the bad guy. Once I held my boundaries and held people accountable, instead of being a people pleaser, dropping everything for everyone. God I'm tired, overwhelmed, exhausted. Yes healing started however it's too late whenever betrayal cuts so deep. When words are spoken that I'm like a daughter yet treated like a stranger. When you condone no accountability and allow bullying, and tell me I should be over it by now because I forgave. Lord Jesus. Yes it's time. For nearly two years even my young daughter would notice that I was being bullied and manipulated and you're telling me that the very adults who didn't notice who listen to the same services, never noticed. Lord, I know that you are not the author of confusion. Lord it's time. I'm hurting. I walked away. I pray. I have to surrender things to your feet daily because to be honest Jesus when you receive correspondence basically saying that you don't matter, that even though you were there when everyone else left. You stood by. You aren't heard. You aren't seen, loved or cared for unless there's something that comes up that's needed. Because you were the person who was always available. Carrying things you shouldn't have ever had to carry. People told you those words yet still didn't step up. They said they would send help to you and it never happened. Yet they could cross boundaries, say things in public and privately. They can hurt ,go through a lot, ask for help, but I can't. They can bleed and cause wounds. When I ask for accountability and transparency,I suddenly need to be handled, talked to, and have a discussion with. I followed the word that said to go in private to the person. Then got carpet-danced several times by leadership. I ended up raising my voice because the realization hit that years, months, days, hours, time. I wanted to spend it with my daughter, myself, just to even take a vacation. I would often get a call of “ we need you” . I wasn't needed, my access and boundaries and life was needed. I release the pain, heartache, betrayal, words, time,deception, narratives, things God knows, everything I lay at the feet of Jesus daily, every moment of everyday. Forgiving, not trusting, healing , not giving access. Praying and loving. I'm not angry, resentful, bitter, nor uncaring. I'm hurting and healing, as is my daughter.
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