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Strong and Healing
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Feel To Heal
I hear it so often now.
You are so strong and healing so well.
Days like today and yesterday.
I hear the beautiful words of encouragement of me being a great writer, intercessor, on fire for God.
It’s hard to hear because before I would sometimes hear compliments and then the next few days it was invalidation, intimidation, manipulation and control with words of “ You're a bad steward or a bad mom.”
Your kid is upset at that person and it’s your fault, because you made her that way. You have a hard heart. You have a mental problem. God doesn’t hear your prayers. “
Right now I’m sitting here with tears rolling down my normally stoic yet smiling face. Going, God, you made me with a soft, kind heart and a love for not just your people but people in general.
Yesterday all I wanted to do was a simple dinner out to celebrate with my daughter a person we loved. My older sister on her birthday.
I got dressed up. I felt pretty on a really rough day.
I had on my signature red dress, as my sister’s favorite Beyonce song would say my “freakum dress” .
I spent all day making plans to go out and celebrate not just for my sister and daughter but for me because I don’t get out.
I’m a single mom. Yes I workout, go to appointments, go to church.
Take my daughter to school, spend lots of time with God, keep a clean and organized house, journal, pray, worship.
I don’t normally schedule to go “out”. I’m particular about even dating as a mom and woman of God who has a calling on my life. I say I’m dating myself. Even as far as actually getting things for myself lately my daughter has a fit about. “ How dare I?”
Nope ended up not going out because daughter decided it would be difficult and said she didn’t want to go anywhere.
I ended up picking up the food for carryout.
I was staring at my budget for the next month and thinking about how her birthday is coming up and how I have already said she will not have anyone staying the night or going anywhere because she keeps lying about cleaning her room and I refuse to ever again.
For those that say well if you would've disciplined. I did. I've done spanking, taken things away, turned things off, then I had to go through investigations because our society says she has to have certain things because without them it’s abuse . I have done the strict parent thing, the gentle parent thing . oh and those same “ godly people" before who said those mean things to me for years. She watched them do it, so when mom had enough and left. She was like woah, yet she’s like mom why do you get upset and say I’m acting like a bully.
She doesn’t have the latest things or styles. She has a cell phone, room, internet, and xbox. She has been an Honor Roll student for the last 4 plus years. We aren’t rich. We are considered low to middle income according to statistics because I’m a veteran and retired. We don't have new phones. I am frugal yet look for things that last a long time.
Honestly I think it’s why I didn’t leave God when we went through the abuse and manipulation from the legacy denomination I was basically raised in. My God Jehovah is detailed, long lasting, faithful, true, honest, doesn’t fail, loves me, I’m his daughter. He gives me beauty for ashes everyday. I am beautifully and wonderfully made. He reminded me that my songs for my prayer board for September are Speak Your Name and Evidence. One of the lyrics of speak your name is “Before we do anything we call on Jesus to show up, show out. When we speak your name something happens in the room. Power is released and every demon has to flee.” Part of the lyrics for Evidence is “ You’ve got evidence. You’re the living proof. God keeps promises and his Word won’t fail.”
Now as a former military law enforcement person you know how detailed I am about evidence so as I am typing my tears are turning from pain to joy because our God reminded me.
See… the fact my daughter is even here is evidence that God keeps his word. That’s just the start. I know what God promised her grandmother, her aunt, me that no drop of our blood will be lost.
On days like yesterday and today where sometimes I may struggle with her or life in general because I don’t have the man who God has sent to find me yet. I know that he will give us the desire of my heart as it aligns with God.
I am starting to feel my healing again and accept when my new village says I am strong and healing because I am going from broken to healing.
