i held you for the first time

I held you for the first time, and tell the Dr. your name,
In my state of confusion, heartache, grief, I begin to try to make since of the all-consuming pain.
I had no idea that my whole life was about to change,
I had no idea that I would never be the same.
I waited to break the heart breaking news you your daddy, and I wondered what I will say.
How could I tell him our angel flew away?
Would he blame me as much as I blamed myself?
When I told him, would he feel the same shock and horror I had felt?
The day that your heart stopped beating, I know mine did too,
I was certain; I could not go on without you.
The day I laid you in the ground was so hard for me to do,
Everyone had started leaving the cemetery; I could not bring myself to leave you.
I wanted to crawl into to your grave, and just die to,
But daddy told me that He and Austin still needed me,
And for you there was nothing we could do.
In the days that followed there was days I had to force myself to get out of bed, for hours on end all I could do was cry,
I begged God for answers, pleated for him to tell me why.
I needed to feel like someone else had felt the pain that I was going through,
And know when I was at my lowest point, I cried out to God and I know I heard him say,
“I lost a son once too.” and soon after
I found out that Jaedan means God has heard, and I knew he had heard the Prayers I pray,
And no one will ever be able to take that away.
So I may never know why God called you home,
But I do know that God will never make me walk alone.

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