i am so tired

I still remember that day,
When I finally got the nerve to say what I needed to say.
Some how I always knew it would end this way,
I just did not know how much it would hurt to walk away .
I won't tell you it don't hurt, I won't tell you I don't cry,
Because it did and I do so I won't lie.
If anything I can say I am sorry it had to end like this,
There is so much about you I miss.
This is harder than I ever thought it would be,
But I finally learned to stick up for me.
I used to believe that in a day or two you would call,
But in the last 8 months very little has changed, if it has changed at all.
I used to think that maybe I was wrong to keep the boys away,
But deep down I know they shouldn't have had to see you that way.
In the end I had to stick to my guns,
I refuse to let my sons be hurt by anyone.
You know they hardly ever talk about you,
And both of them say they don't even miss you.
They both say they want nothing to do with you,
But both of them say they feel sorry for you.
I wish I could stick up for you,
I wish I could go to bat for you.
But after all you have put me through,
That is something I can't, won't do.
I think what I miss the most is who I know you can never be,
You will never be the mother I need. 
Finally accepting that hurts me more than you will ever know,
And makes it easier to let go.
I wish I could tell you that just once I believed,
When you told me you loved me.
I am so tired of my husband having to hold me night after night while I cry,
Tired of making him tell me he believes me when I say I am fine.
Tired of him knowing it's a lie.
But thankful as lest he tries.
I am so tired of crying tears you don't deserve,
Tired of trying to hide my hurt.

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