The Night You Said "Slow..."


I don’t want to think about that night but then again I can’t help it. I have this bittersweet burning in my belly; it slinks up my esophagus and hides out behind my tongue. I have a feeling of dread and foreboding. I was left hanging all day, all I wanted to do was see your face and when I finally did you seemed upset with me and only interested in Jake, scrambling to call him as soon as I pulled up.

On the way to his house you told me you wanted to slow down, the same thing I told you a couple nights before and it upset you in a way, and then we both talked it over and we both didn’t want to slow anything down. But I guess you have changed your mind. Women aren’t the only fickle ones. It hurt my feelings and the first several minutes at Jake’s were awkward between us. I wanted to bolt from that house, not be around you. I wanted to hide before you could completely throw in the towel. I knew I had messed up in some way… Why oh, why did you have to hypnotize me with those eyes in the first place?  

I stayed. I couldn’t walk out and be rude. I couldn’t leave you mad at me and talking about what a bitch I was to Jake. So we all started talking and eventually started laughing. Your hand was on my knee the whole time, you slightly leaning into me. I appreciated the support. You supported my feelings well, but I was somewhat upset I couldn’t conjure the same giddy laughter from you that Jake could. I think that is something that will always bother me.

We ended up going outside in the backyard together and the tension was strong even out in the open, unrestricted by walls. The air vibrated with our tension. I wanted to reach out for your hand, but you had me blocked mentally, physically. I decided to play along, go with the flow and not worry about it all. I just decided to let go and soak you in as long as I had you by my side.

Music came next and my eyes hurt gazing at your lips and profile, your cut jaw line, your fingers plucking at the guitar here and there, my eyes hurt thinking about not seeing you again. Not hearing you play, not feeling your slight frustration when you would mess up on a song. I had to stop thinking so negatively, I had to talk, had to be happy, had to play along. I had to be what you wanted, but then again it’s hard for me to be anything but myself so I don’t know if I pretended well enough.

I sang for you and all the while the tune coming from my lungs and vocal cords and filling the room were aimed towards you, and I don’t remember you even flinching. It crushed me a little and I had to ask for your approval, you approved.

The highlight of the night among others was when I made you laugh. I made a joke about Jake and his gold watch. You laughed hard, and your hands found the back of my neck and my hair was twisted in your fingers for several fleeting minutes. That moment gave me hope. I think it probably came from your laughter. You’re my joy. I felt you beating my heart.

We ended up playing Mercy, and you wouldn’t hurt my hands. Donnie ended up threatening me and you sat by my side and stood up for me.

It was time to go and you left with me, surprisingly.

We made it to your house, and listened to Fallout Boy in the driveway. I told you I wanted to be good and kissed before I left and you said ‘oh you will be.’

When I knew you were going to kiss me, I don’t know who went in for it first. It was like the first time. I felt shy. It can only be described as magical. I felt as if I was falling into a deep dark abyss, slowly and gracefully falling. We let go slowly, and you grinned big and laughed. You said you felt like you were ‘trippin’. It was amazing. I thought all the movies were fake, all the romance and fireworks but they are real, I now know. You made it all real for me.

We then stepped outside and commenced throwing rocks at the barn. You were so elegant and graceful with your ‘crows hop’ but you hurt your shoulder in the effort to make the barn. I tried and made you laugh. You told me I looked goofy and threw like a girl. I didn’t mind you laughing at me because I was laughing too. Our lips met underneath the hazy night sky several more times. I couldn’t stop stealing glances at you. It makes you uncomfortable but I try to control it. I don’t think you understand how extraordinary you are to me.

I drove home in a daze, and wondered if you thought about me anymore after I left.

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