It's been awhile since I picked up a pen
I've had some better times
I've had some worse times
But lately I just don't feel there's a net

There's been some one there to catch me
To talk me back down to sense
Right now I only feel pain
I ask for it, I relish it, I ache for it

I push things to the point of pain
I worry that I'm too depressed
I push everyone away
I don't want to be a burden

My green eyes light up when they're open
Everywhere I'm tortured by what I can't have
The green light never goes off
No one is safe from the light

My mind runs and won't stop
I want to get off this merry-go-round
The ups and the downs are no fun
I don't enjoy this nightmare ride of monsters

Thoughts of death run miles in my head
Mine, my mothers, my grandmothers
And how to die!
I see death at nearly every turn

What I crave I get from someone who doesn't give
I hold no interest for anyone
My hand grows cold, my heart beats slow
Soon there won't be anything worth wanting

I strive to be happy, to live each day on purpose
I want to feel what normal people feel
To know what others know
The touch of a hand, beat of a heart, sign of contentment

I want to know what its like to have someone
One to guarantee a snuggle
One only to kiss sweetly, ferociously
I want to know a non crazy person who likes me for me

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 11/17/10. This was written in the middle of a depression spell. It was very not good.

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