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Page, I am too sad to write.

But you cannot hold me.

And I am finding, more and more often,

that open arms do more damage than good,

and even deep within them I feel like crying.

I felt like dying today.

For no reason.

This is the saddest tragedy, that I wander

through each hour with a fake smile on my fake face,

and tell him and everyone that things are ok.

Things are not ok.

And I knew I would hate falling out of love with him,

because right now I know

they never were.

I have been this person forever.



Today I kneel down and close my eyes

as he moves I try not to cry.

I remember instances before when I felt the same,

every day.  Every fucking day.

And I miss him.  Truly, without any other words floating around about

my pain, what others will think and say.

I miss him with all my heart and still believe

he is the one for me.

Decipher the antecedents.



Page, tonight, I am so tired.

Every day too sad to write anything worth while.

Everyday I come here and try to be as real as possible.

Let me tell you, I am failing.

My words mean nothing anymore.

I can't even tell a story thats not mine.

And its pathetic.  And the worst thing is,

I know its pathetic and I can't change.

I hate everything I do but couldn't stop.

Who would I tell, but you?

I have no one.

I squandered everything I ever loved for nothing.

I am so weak that I did this,

and so weak that I cannot render myself dead for it.

All I want is to die, page.

If god was real I would pray to him everyday for it.

He's not, and I still do.



Nothing overtly horrid happened today.

I went to school and laughed.

I hung out with my boyfriend and we did not fight.

I saw many friends and smiled at them.

But page I hold it all inside.

I love no one.

I never will.

I have only loved one person in my life.

That person is here but so far away I can't hear her anymore.

I'm sorry.