This sucks

If I get my thoughts down, then maybe they won't consume me from within. Thoughts of you swirling through my mind. I thought I was the one pushing you away but hey, turns out I just can't. You're much too important to me. I don't love you, but I want you in my life, I need you. I hate that you won't talk to me, and I hate that you don't want to. I don't know how long this will last, but I can't go 5 minutes without thinking about you. This is pathetic. It's been over a year, yet you're still on my mind. What is it that you have, that keeps me away from every other guy, looking for you, and only you. I hate you and what you do to me. But I can't stay away. Conflicting feelings, thoughts, emotions. I need you, love, as much as I don't want to. And frankly, it scares me. What if I can never break away? What if I continue to hang on to your memories, your thoughts, and close myself off from anyone else and everyone else forever? My heart jumps everytime my phone dances and buzzes, and I check it with trembling hands, hoping it's you, yet knowing it's not. If only my hopes would prove my logic wrong. I feel like a sap, thinking about you all the time, waiting for you to come back to me, although I know I don't deserve you with all the stupid crap I put you through. Why can't I just banish you from my life? I want to forget you. I never want you to forget me. I want you to be mine forever, but I don't love you. I don't know why I'm hanging on to you so desperately. I don't know why I do all these stupid things when you're involved. I don't know what I want. Well, I do. Sort of. I want you. Argh. I don't want this to be some lame heartbreak movie. I don't want to be every other teenage girl broken up over some stupid guy who will never like her. but that's what I am. you used to say you love me. I knew you were telling the truth, cause I could feel your love. Where are we now? Ugh, I want you. Talk to me. Please. Come back...

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