I’m so scared of everything that this world is about. I can’t look around me with peace of mind anymore. I don’t know why every thought holds traces of disaster, every movie reminds me of it, every discussion drowns me in it. I’m tired of these feelings, of this fear. I can’t remember how to not worry anymore. I can’t remember what it feels like to leave the house or just sit with people other than any of you and not think constantly of how much I want to come back and hold you close to me. As if I can hold you forever and keep you from leaving me forever. I don’t want to cry about something I have no control over anymore. I don’t want to be scared of the fact of life anymore. I don’t want to be scared. Not anymore…

I feel sometimes like I’m sitting above everything and I’m seeing it all happen. A race with time and it’s silly. Who would dare race time? It wins always, eventually. But the race never ceases and you don’t listen to me. No one hears me or understands it. All I see is doom. How can that ever become settling to the mind of anyone? How can fear not seize you? I’d rather die than feel this..

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