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Panic Attack
A normal day begins
Clock into work as I sip my tea
The desk in my home office is a bit messier than usual
The trinkets, papers, keyboard and mouse
Takes up most of the space to my right
I do this
I do that
Report after report
Meetings every other hour
A repeat of my everyday adult life
Suddenly
Without a knock on my heart
It opens
A barrage of emotions spread through my blood
My veins carry that electric feeling i do not like
My brain is racing through unrealistic chapters, fiction and non fiction, faces of my... mother? Father? Third grade teacher? Who is that?
Did they die? Oh no I failed in life
Does my sister hate me? Im getting fired today
My non existing boyfriend just moved away
This is not happening its not real
I reassure myself for 5 second before...
Oh no it reached my lungs
I can't breathe
I can't breathe
"Just take one breath you'll be fine"
It's happening I'm-
In a trance
Behind the walls of my mind
I sit and watch
My body curled up on the ground
The unbroken stream of tears from my eyes
With endless supply of pain
I dont think I can stop
Sob and heave, sob and heave on repeat
The earth shattering quakes
Moving from my fingers to my toes
The extra large flowy knee length shirt is too tight
It's twisting around my stomach
I want to throw up
Fix the arch in your back to take it off
I cant move
But I need to take it off because I cant breathe
But I cant move
My limbs are obeying a non existing command
To clutch my chest until the end of time
I just watch from the corner of the broken mind with no access of the control panel
Sob and heave
Sob and heave
Sob and heave
I can't breathe
I can't see
I can't reach
As I lie on the floor with no self awareness or control
In a sea of everlasting tears
Built up from deep unrealistic fears
I am aware of it all
I feel it in every building block of my being
I just cant reach
It'll pass i tell myself
2 minutes in I heave and Sob
6 minutes in I tremble and cry
10 minutes in I'm still clutching myself
19 minutes in I attempt to breathe
25 minutes in I heave, sob, tremble and cry whole clutching my chest
26 minutes in the volume of my cries starts to lower
27 minutes in my breathing slows
28 minutes in my grip loosens on my choking shirt
29 minutes in the tears begin to stop
30 minutes in I feel the air inside my lungs
31 minutes in.... I feel... no I'm just so numb
The electricity leaving my body through my fingers and toes
I am being pulled from the corner I've been watching from
Slow and steady my vision is my own
I blink and bend my wrist
Yes, I can move again by my free will
I give myself a minute or two
Before wiping my eyes, nose and mouth too
I stand up slow and wash my face
Take a look at the mirror and face the reflection of broken soul
Who has to go through that every now and then
No warning, no alarms and no triggers
Just a normal day when you have anxiety
I go back to my desk
Check my work schedule
I have a meeting in 3 minutes
I'll finish my tea before then
