Feels like cold. This cold temperature surrounding you, absorbing and compelling you. You want to just hit your head into a wall until you're unconcious. You've fucked up again. Again and again and again. This is beyond depression this is utter despair for the fact that you were a teenager, that you had a child hood, that you were born. I feel like sometimes I'm having a mid-life crisis at the age of 18. Maybe I am I don't know,  I just look at everyone else look at how fucking happy they are and I'm here just wasting away with every breath I breathe. I can't let it go so I won't. I missed those times were nothing made sense the times where I was at high-school and people just were...there. I'm so self-absorbed, I want everyone to stay with me I can't be alone I keep going back to people just so I won't be alone. I go back to addictions, I go back to my problems I go back to my own personal hell. I look at university and college students and I feel like a failure, I look at high-school student and I feel sad, and I look at myself and I feel sick. Nothing is working, I'm failing so bad, I am not giving up on a job that is most likely going to break my wrist apart and kill me because it's one of the few things I have left. I don't want to do this anymore I'm so few up off all these fucking problems when I come up with solutions, my house falls apart so I don't do school and get a job, I get the job and all of a sudden the second source of income has gone and now I have to work full-time and completely forget about college, the car breaks down so I take the bus, I'm spending more money to work and live then I'm earning, I have little to no extra money. I'm slowly sufficating with all this stress and no one bothers to talk to me anymore. What am I suppose to do, I need school, but if I quit my job I'm going to starve, if I take a part-time job and go to school I won't have enough to cover both my food and my living arrangements, I'm in between my apartment and my mom's house so frequently it mind-boggling. If I were to move out and move in with someone I would need someone who plans for at least a year commitment. What are the chances. Where is my happiness... it was here not too long ago and now it has been swept from underneath me. Another lost moment I guess.

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