Rain-Drenched Sunflower

I have happiness in self-inflicted pain, but it can't be physical, no. Physical pain is too over-rated, or maybe because I am a coward but I have every right to be cause when it comes down to it...I am always alone, no one wants me for anything but a laugh, I am a personal entertainer not a friend. I live only to suffer, and I suffer only to live. Unknown circumstances have lead me to believe that I should just drop dead and see how everything turns out, I almost had my chance, but when it happened I didn't want it...kinda ironic in a sense, to have a chance for death and not want it, only to want it after going through the grueling recovery of losing so much, so much blood, tears, emotions, and in the process of losing an arm. People who say they're a tortured soul are just lying because if they truly were a tortured soul, they wouldn't let anyone know about it and let themselves slowly deteriorate from this fucked up fragile existance where drama is the king, and you are its bitch. I want to cry but I have no reason to, just my suspicions that everyone is playing a game with me to see how much I am willing to bear before they deliver a dying blow leaving me on the corner of an unknown street watching as I tear my limbs apart, peel my own skin off and roll around in salt. I don't care if you call me suicidal or crazy right now, I want answers but I have to wait for them, but I might not live to hear them at this rate. I need that comforting southern girl tone to tell me what I want to hear, and not what I need to. I need that lost soul to confide in me again, so I may confide in him. I need one of my best friends to get a clue that I don't want to be involved with the suffering, just let me be. I want to escape, I want to die, I want to live, and I want to cry. I'm losing 5 seconds of my life every 1 second just to make sure I don't have to live till I'm 50. I miss me...I miss not caring what is going on in the world just grab a hold of the swing chains and start swinging, maybe I'll swing out of the atmosphere and fly. I wanna cry so hard that my eyes will bleed but I also don't want to say these things cause I'm afraid of sounding too emo, but if they've lived a life thats as hellish as mine they have every right to. I am losing my home, I am losing my family, I am losing my friends, and I am gaining a drug addiction and a lack of respect for living. I look out my window and see that beautiful thing, that eager minded child running around with a toy plane grasped between his obscure yet very noticeable fingers, trying to get the pilot home to his wife and kids. He doesn't know how much he has to do in life or how hard it is just to put up with shit and ive, he just has to worry that the pilot makes it home in time to kiss his wife after a long journey and let his son know that he doesn't leave because he was an accident and can't stand to look at his face cause it causes him to raise a hand in anger and wants to make sure he'll never see anything again.  It's fun to make up false realities and hope they turn out right, otherwise you're just crazy running from each dimensia to the next. I wish...I knew everything, doesn't matter if I wouldn't live cause I would have no surprises but I need to know some things for sure..whos lying and whos speaking truth, am I who I think I am or am I just a mirage of my own failures continuing to haunt me. Faithful....Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Don't lie to me because I can feel the bull shit flying from your mouth...I can figure this out if I want, but I don't think I want to. Naive and living in my ignorant bliss I am smarter then I let on, my words speak for themselves. I thirst for fights even with one arm, I don't want my back up, I want myself to do the damage, the final blow and see the look of fear on the other face for once. I want to...just be happy, no worrying about what is to come just smile my fucking hideous smile and let the world know...that I want to show it that its fucked up, and stop being used and abused by people. Am I healthy or am I just escaping losses, by ignoring what I deal with and avoiding the confrontation of losing everything I have in a blink of an eye. When I lose what I have, this is my final note to those who loved me and I was too stuborn to realize...I am sorry and I wish I made the right choices in life...cause I fucked up bad and I don't know if I can come down from where I am. I need help, and I don't want to help anymore because it just comes back and bites my ass. I need a new high, I need something so powerful that I'll leave this world and never come back till everything has fixed itself. My final conclusion...I am depressed more then I realized and I don't know what to do...I hate myself and don't want to lose anymore I am so scared that I believe whatever I'm told, my medication is too powerful and its messing my thoughts up for deception and deceit are my two shoulders and they're being crushed under the pressure.

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