you are the beacon of light that my soul yearns for and i cry when i think about how much time has gone by alone, in that dark place where no one really sees you --- weeping in frustration over things that cannot be simplified into words..

feelings... and i breathe

that day was sunny, and you were alone screaming for your mother --- where are you mommy, where are you?!?! i must know where my mommy is... your father running frantically to try to find her... she was nowhere to be found...

i cried for days in my bedroom --- i didn't want to accept what had happened.. my father explained it to me as best as he could

son, your mother has run away with another man to california ---

when is she coming back daddy, --- i dont know son.

my heart sunk deep into my chest and i felt pain like i had never experienced before... i loved my mommy --- she would watch nova on pbs with me every day and run her fingers through my hair.. i missed that --- i missed holding her while she would eat tomato soup and crackers with me and give me silly kisses and tell me silly stories...

she is gone, but why

they found her a year later with the man who was a convict --- he was arrested and mom was brought back home...

she was never the same again and at that point in my life i realized that no one was there for me..

sure dad gave us a roof, and food sometimes, and mom did the dishes and went to therapy, etc.

but i sat and pondered these things from then all the way up until now...

i feel similarly betrayed by my ex wife, who chose a man -- also the convict type.. on trial for murder

the power to do anything about my situation is extremely limited

but i must not give up, or give in

for i have learned what happens when i do that --- i am consumed by addiction --- and it has destroyed me numerous times

thinking of a way to end this story --- there isn't. i wish i could say tht it has gotten better... but it hasn't

the power to survive and pull through tough situations in life is within the grasp of us all... we simply need to work together, as friends helping friends to succeed in life.

i love all my dearest friends --- they are few, but to me they are the world

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