Wounds (ch3&4&5)

Oh if only I could seek some form of redeption from my dream. So many mirros and so many imagages, so much reflecting and rereflecting, I look at the masks as the stretch to infinaty, knowing none of them are me and yet so I am all of them. The cold comfort of night welcomes me and becons me to come and loose myself in it. Day and it's harsh unfeeling cold light, it's penetrating and hard glare that strips away it all and leaves us with nothing. Etirnal twilight in a waking dream, ont I can live over and over, be anyone I want, no boundries no limits... nothing to loose. Everything I have known lost, everything, time take everything... all that there is all that there was, all that will be... Time shall take it all. It is so easy to be comforted in the darkness and hide the light of day, so easy and so simple. I know now why he was able to do what he did. Oh at the time I feared him, now I simply pity him. If you have nothing to loose then why not risk it all. Darkness can be a great healer, turning cold can help so many. Wounds for scars that darkness hides. You hide in it and it hides in you, we all have a dark part of us, some are better at conceling it, but it is there. It is there when you laugh at some ones mistake, or when you play a joke, oh it is there and we know it. A cold darkness that removes you from everything and can be seen in the eyes. Deep wounds can strike at it and bring it out. Lies and half truths, masks upon masks... layers and layers... it is so easy to hide yourself, so easy to make it for no one to know you.


These wound that are inflicted shall never heal, they go to deep for medicine or time to banish them from my body. Wounded and confused, unsure what to do or where I go. Close it all off. Is it better to feel nothing or feel pain. Maybe my heart was better closed. Maybe I should let the phoenix die, it is already dead as it is, A muerto de mi corazon. That is what this is. To death of my heart. It is not so bad. Not caring. No laughter, no tears, no joy, no fears, no love or hate, blissful peace and solotude from the trials of the world. No more pain, no more anything.

Even the armour is cut ...


How easy it would be to end it, just let go and close your eyes. I wonder if I would feel anything. Would I even know I am dead, am I alive right now. Does Avalon even exist, do I exist out side this place. I am a ghost even here and less than one in life. Yes some would miss me, but it would be so easy just to let go on my way home. Down that first hill and into the street, one hit and that would be it. Oh it sounds so simple and clean, how would it feel to die again. Would I just come back? I have before, like a curse on my head. Is death no kinder than life, why do we stay in life when death may offer so much more, so much that life can not. Ode to death, La muerte. La muerte de la copazon, la muerte de la soul. one begets the other does it not. Is there such a thing as souls. Maybe we do just pass on. All dreams end, should I end this one. What of the few ties to here. This is not life and yet it is less a dream than I am. So much more real here, and yet so many more lies... A living lie. Oh how easy it would be.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i had tried again to end the lie i was, but yet again, my suicide failed.

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