Life of the dead heart Phoenix (ch24&25&26)

I know not what I feel anymore, I know that I feel.

I know not what I want anymore, I know that I want.

Things hae changed so much scence I started this. My thoughts and ideas are clouded be feelings and disires that are new to me. How do those people stand this at first when they are so wild and all unknown? I may have come to far to go back. Do I want to go back? Some of me wants to go back to the way it was when I would tell it like it is and it didn't matter. some of me wants to know what is beyond what ever this is. some of me wants to stay here and see what this is... Some of me is still dead. The phoenix is not whole yet


Why was I let to feel if now all I feel is sorrow? I so miss him that kept me warm and safe. The time we have now mearly teases me and leads me to less sorrow before the conection is cut and it returns deeper than ever. Why did I so want to feel? I know now that this is indeed worse than not feeling. I may be wishing this out of anger or pain but I know it as truth for now, Why can't I douse these ashes of my heart and lay the pheonix to rest for good, then all that will change and I will feel no more pain as I do now. bit by bit I loose myself as this hole closes over, I brace it with a twig. Rip it out and leave it be, it was better for us the other way. But I want to feel. All you want is pain? what is the good in that? Don't tell me you have forgotten what love was already. I haven't but look at what it has done to us. Yeah so, I would take a thousand years of heartache for one of joy again. Well I wouldn't, not now not ever, let it close and be done with it. NO! I won't let you do this. How can you stop me? you are too tired. I can and I will. You can no more fight yourself than the government. That won't stop me from trying. I must stop this, I must... what have I done... I don't know, I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know, I don't want to know.


What have I done to who I love so much, nothing will ever change that. I can only hope that he won't hate me forever in the knowedge of why. Never before had I felt like this and maybe never again. All I can do is beg forgiveness and even that I do not deserve. I think it is time to end it all and let the truth be told, but how to say what you dare not for once it's said you can never go back. Sorry starts to lose all meaning when it is said often. So like those men that Mark Anthony called honorable, so was I in this. My love and life will come to an end this day, I can not stop that, forgive me forgive me, that is all I ask.


Author's Notes/Comments: 

this is the end of this part of my life, for those who read it all, i hope you liked it. as i said, a bunch of rants... take them as you will.

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