Life of the dead heart Phoenix (ch9&10&11)

I realize now the truth of it. I can SEA it now. While all the songs on Earth are joy, mine is that of the swan. So long and beautiful, yet when it ends so does its singer. Is that the fate that awaits me? Will I feel joy only just befor the end of the song?

What is this I'm showing now? It it fear? Yes it's fear, but is it from within or with out? Is this fear for me OR from me? I don't know, I don't know, don't know, don't know, know, no... What is this, this, is this my swan song?


Things are changing for me and I don't know if for the better or worse. I don't know what will come anymore, do I have a choice, no, I just have the illusion of choice... No I don't even have that anymore... What will become of who I am now at the end of my search... will I still be the same?.. I don't know

All things end in their own time... is it my time? if not when will this end?


We used to sit and watch the sun set.. I would feel his love of it but even then had none of my own... so close but close only counts with horseshoes and handgurnades not love and feelings... yah close is better than nothing but there is a lot of nothing for something that doesn't exist

How can nothing be empty? How can someone be filled with nothingness? yet both seem true... there are days where logic says I have tow chances of making it (slim and none) and then there are days that I think I feel how tantalus must of with the apple and the water... maybe this is my lot in life? to bring a lot of joy to others and not to feel any myself... oh well if that be the case then I'll coupe ... I always do .. it's just logical to adapt.

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