Life of the dead heart Phoenix (ch1&2)

It is sad to be dead to the world but it is worse to be dead to yourself. A frozen heart that feels nothing is worse that one that thawed to only feel pain. It may be better to love and loose, I sure would welcome it. But to be dead to yourself and dead to the world, that is the ultimate torture.

It isn't that I don't want to feel it's that I can't feel. A woman with a frozen heart... Sure I laugh, sure I smile, Sure I yell, but all that is justa hollow act. If you look you see no true anger in my eyes, no true murth in my voice. It is cold and dead.

There was somone once that made me feel. He thawed my heart a little, not much but enough to know what I don't have. I know about emotion and what to do to envoke it in others, but no matter what I say or do it is never envoked in me.


I miss him and his witty ways, the way he caressed my cheek. I've left him so long ago that my heart has frozen again. There is no more warmth where his memory was, no more feelings good or bad. I don't even feel the emptyness of what sould be there.

My heart, that of an elegant lady, to be so cold and uncaring, is beyond death, beyond hope, beyond pain. Once again I'd welcome pain for it may melt my heart but a heart as cold as mine can't even cry when a love one dies.

I've lost grandparents and friends of the family close enough to be the same. I've known more hardship than thirteen lifetime, but can't feel the pain of one. All that and more is cursed to me. Those that have lost what I can never have have wished for that which I have, an end to pain.

Endure the pain, All of you endure it and embrase it, at least the pain for you will eventualy give way to pleasure once more. The coulds will lift and sun come out all for you in it's own time. For me however it will never happen my world is just one shade oy grey, on more, maybe less.

If thinking is living then I am alive but if fealing is life then I'm dead to life... Interesting to be soo alive yet be dead to life itself, makes you stop and think why are you carying on... why not end it and let your body meet your heart... Two reasons, I'm too Cowardly to end it, and I'm not the kind to take the easy way out... Even if it's my only salvation.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

this is the start of the story, more of a series of rants that form a session in my life

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