Late night reflections.

A little about me: I have moved a good 23 times in my life. Living my childhood in a car hopping between 2 states every other weekend constantly living 2 lives because of my parents divorce. spending every childhood summer in a town I didnt go to school with on a dirt road made me have a really hard time making friends growing up. My parents lived 2 completely different life styles causing me to really feel like I was at war with myself. My dad was highly religious and believed that god and money was the root of success and materials are greatly valued. My mother on the other hand was very spiritual and believed that happiness comes from within and that materials mean nothing and showing love is the greatest from of success. all growing up these two life styles clashed greatly. having my father bash me for having my mothers belief system and really refusing to believe in god because I was suffering in my head comprehending two different life style in my head. I was forced going to church and was stuck studying the bible and I always felt like I was in a position of being converted and saved by organized religion witch really just made me hate it more. Depression got so bad growing up as a kid bouncing between life styles on a weekly basis that I was diagnosed with every disorder under the sun. Bipolar. depression. anxiety. aspergers. adhd one doctor even had the nerve to diagnose me with autism. I spent many nights in the mental hospital being evaluated. By the time i was 15 I already been to the ward 5 times. I First prescribed zoloft when I was 8. and when i was in 8th grade I was on 8 different medications. I spent my whole childhood growing up not knowing who I was severely angry at the world. I would often run away. and I was a terribly behaved child. At the age 13 I got a felony for breaking into my junior high witch my dad used to manipulate me into his custody. The move didnt go so great and I hated it more than anything I could possibly think of at that time. Being an intercity kid who lived on a skateboard to over night living in a place on a dirt road. it just set me even further back. having to adjust to living in a new place, I was forced going to church where my dad was a youth pastor. and having him be the final decision over who i was friends with in highschool. witch he tried doing so to help me. but it just made my behavior issues worse. I was angry and told my friends at the time I wasn't allowed to hang out with them because My parents wouldn't let me. witch made my friends angry as well. I ran away and tried living with a friend sophomore year because I was being severely punished due to not taking my meds and ended up running away. having the police and child services get involved. I was detained and brought back home. Social services investigated the entire house hold. and flipped it upside down. my father lost his job at the church. and since that day I really had to raise myself. Still to this day its brought up and My relationship with my father is completely gone. Along with my other siblings. The next 2 years of high school were easy. I held 2 jobs once I turned 16 because I hated being home. So I would work myself into exhaustion. Spent any of my free time playing my guitar. After graduation I was never home. worked and was going to college. Enjoying every second of it. But I had to drop out because I was kicked out of my house 3 days before Christmas. because I would only come home to do homework. Having to drop out after I already paid for classes set me on a path to failure and I gave up on everything. I quit my job and had my middle finger up to the world because I was unable to do the social norm and be in school. later that year. after the couch hopping finally got to me. I was severely unstable coping with being off my meds for the first time in years. I ended up in the hospital from an overdose when my friends found me unconscious on the floor. It was a sucide attempt. I was driven to Saint joseph where I got my stomach pumped and Then I was taken in an ambulance to UofM hospital. I spent 3 days in a white room with the light on being monitored by doctors. I had the most uncomfortable chair in the world and a blanket. Only time I talked to people was when I was given a meal. and it was brief interaction. the 3 days felt like 2 years. I wasnt able to eat with utensils becuase I was on suicide watch. after an opening came thru I was sent to Chelsea hospital where I spent 8 days in a psycho clinic. Witch was quite terrible. My roommate was a homeless Vietnam veteran with severe PTSD and he would fight the doctors who were giving him his meds. He was strapped in his bed every night and would scream for hours. every now and then I get dreams reliving this event. he would throw everything in arms reach and scream at the top of his lounges and doctors would come in and pull over the divider curton in the room. put their hand over his mouth hold him down and inject him with a drug that would make him instantly pass out. After the longest 5 nights of my life they switched me to a regular room in the hospital were I finished my stay and they helped me get into Brighton hospital witch ate up the last of my college fund. after a long boring 30 days finding better connection to drugs you didnt have and smoking cigarettes until your throat bled. I moved to my mothers for the first time in 7 years. Not really having any friends and being back at square one in an even smaller town I lived in the last. I stayed by my cousin who I did everything with. It seemed like the whole 2 years I was there there wasnt a day I heard from him. working at mcdonalds trying to find myself. I didn't struggle as much until I made a wrong decision to get a place with a coworker who had a severe drinking problem. Living in a one bedroom hotel. we would eat amphetamines and drink all night. we Signed the month lease to the hotel completely plastered. My roommate was so drunk that he tried riding his bike and crashed into someones parked car about 20 minutes after we signed the lease. one night we even climbed on top of the local KFC and drank until we passed out on the roof. It was terrible living in a place with someone who wasn't able to control himself. a lot of my shit got stolen. My roommate took my car at the time while I was working to steal a 5th from walmart and decided to drink with his friends who I had no idea who they were and hit a mailbox while driving drunk so I decided to move out and begged my father to let me stay at home to get on my feet again. Well I decided to try college again and the same situation happened. My car died the day of midterms and my dad in frustration decided to pick a great time to kick me out So i dropped out in the middle of my classes that I paid for myself and got myself academic probation. Since then I decided I wont ever go back to college because its obviously not possible. Couch hopping began again and I spent all last year working 2 jobs blowing all my money after rent on concerts and fun witch equaled out to be the best year of my life. despite the heavy trails of life. My truck went out of commission and I had to quit my second job due to unable to get to and from work. witch caused me to not be able to afford rent and I was too scared to tell the people I was living with I was completely broke so I just left. They did a lot for me and things ended as bad as it possibly could get witch was the one thing I tried to avoid. I later spent a month living with a good friend in ypsi for a month until I figured out life. The road has been tough but its brought me to my next chapter in life. I always had a complicated relationship with my family. and most of the time in my eyes It feels like my blood family is almost completely disintegrated from all the endless amounts of shit that accumulated over the years. I wont lie. I do not have much. I have very little. Less than the average person. But I feel somewhere along this hard road I found inner peace and I am happy and at ease with many things. I am not sure if I did the best I can or raised myself to be a good person. But at least I try and continue to try. One day maybe this shit will clear and I will be able to obtain my dreams instead of being flat lined on the bottom. Life has never been easy. It never will be. But I can at least be at peace with everything and move on. I let anger rule my decisions in reflections upon my life for so long. i may not know where ill be in 6 months from now let alone a week from today. But if I can be this peaceful with the amount of trauma I've seen Ill one day make a name for myself. I realized I am not crazy. That it is impossible to live two lives. The war in my head has ceased and its clear skies. I'm excited for my future instead of fearing my past before. But some night like tonight. reflecting makes it hard for me to get up off my bedroom floor. Life is mysterious and is impossible to predict. The only thing I wish for is my father to forgive me for the shit I did as a kid and be accepting of who I am today and tomorrow. I truly believe I am finding my way. I just wish there was a sign or something to really truly acknowledge if the feelings in my heart are true and not just false signs.

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