Soul searching

I would hate to be god. I would hate knowing I created a whole species that doesn't know what to do with itself. What is the purpose of existence. We all experience the same thing. Yet God is selective. We all can't chase our dreams. More die in search to find themselves because they are lost. I would hate to be god. Knowing that most dreams will never be real. that losing sight of reality to forget how to feel. is more real than reality itself. You ever lose your mind? then find it hitchhiking on a freeway on the other side of the country. lose yourself down those porcupine trails and the snake winding roads. To drive until the car runs out of gas. using automation and automobiles to further projectile your emotions and drive until you encompass a mountainous pass then throw yourself over the edge and find yourself when you have absolute no control in hopes everything is a dream? then wake up to drowning yourself. I would hate to be god and be all knowing. what is the purpose outside of existing. why would God want to create something so impure and reckless. like me. To fight from fear, anger and demons in my sleep. A jester in my own make shift disaster with a hard explanation the morning after. I cant chase my dreams. I feel as if Im drowning in my sleep. coming to terms with reality causes cuts that are too deep. so I take another pill. waste paychecks on cheap thrills. hoping to get find clarity in a world that is not there. because the one we are living in is too hard for me to handle. I lost my grip. no hands on the wheel. not sure where I am going. Not sure why its a big deal. waking up is the biggest deal. hardest for me on the real. so escape in solace in witch i can find some sort of peace for my mind. at war with my head. constant hate constant dread. nothing so clear. everything is just depraved from shades of red. in my head. its all the same. nothing makes sense. its almost a game. to realize that everything is just made up. and love is a drug you want to bang up. I am the judge. jury and criminal. in my mind. everything is subliminal. I lose myself trying to find myself. To try and kill yourself in order to see if pain is real. Or if its just made up in your head. I lose myself to beauty in everything instead. in the eyes of the diamonds shelter the most dread. evil and appealing. silent and revealing. secrets of the secrets revealing their is no secrets. I would hate to be god. because I am lost. and I cannot even govern my own existence. Let alone anybody else's. I recognize my eyes. but not my vessel. of witch god insists to drag me along. to Go kicking and screaming. fighting and biting until all restraints are cut from a hold of me. until I can be what he is and all that he is inclined. I don't want to learn I want to teach. and wake up on an unfamiliar beach. I am evil. I am a beauty. I am a devil. appealing and insightful. poisonous. cunning and viscous, on my own brain. I am crazy. no love for the faint of feeling. let it go. Let me go. from myself. so I can lift my own grips of my own hands around my own neck. I am forgetting on how to reflect. kill me now and soon forget. whats next? know one knows. Thats why I would hate to be god. Because I really hate where this road goes. and that's enough for me to hate everything in arms length to me. Ive pleaded and soul searched for years. faking a smile hurts. like knives and electric shocks into my heart reminding myself of all the pain. thats in my head that I cant express other than a pencil and a finger on a trigger with full clip of lead pointing at my own head. there is no positives to being crazy. take this war away. forgetting how to feel because so much displaced anguish and anger you forget whats real. Well if you were truly me. You would hate god too. I cannot be saved from insanity. something I am forced to cope with and make the best of. at times. its beautiful. at other times its the worst pain you could imagine. like being stuck in your worst fears for the rest of your life. stuck with your eyes pealed at things that are just too much to handle. I am forgetting how to feel. laying and wasting on this floor waiting for something to breathe life and love into my lounges. Where is god? when you scream his name at the top of your lounges. in fear. trying make sense of everything near.

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